The Liquor Store
so now that i live in a state in which i must go to an
alcoholic's haven for a simple 30 pack of beast light i have
come to meet a certain type of people i have never been
forced to associate with before. on a casual friday night
on which i am trying to procure a succulent bottle of
chardonnay i am all of a sudden relegated to listening the
flabby-armed crach whore with five teeth insisting that she
will pay for her "fawdie" with 57 pennies and a half a
it's not a good thing.
liquor stores are the worst if they are outside of a major
city. you know, those decrepit cyst pools of activity that
try to drown themselves in their own animosity? i made the
mistake of going to one looking for (of all things) a 40.
now you know that when you buy a 40. you mean business.
nothing says, i just want to lose myself and get fucked up
like a 40 oz. especially if it's malt liquor, you might as
well throw a heroin needle on the counter and raise your
so there i am on the outskirts of a major city about to
procur the golden 40 ozs of beverage to take home to proudly
show my bro.
i was the only white person within three continents. there
i was hittin' the ole ancient anti-theft car alarm
"bloop-bloop" car alarm as i sauntered (unbeknownst to me)
into the "black-people only" liquor store. i went up the to
the freezer which had an uncanny supply of malt-liquor 40s.
i browsed through them and quickly chose my poison which i
would hold up as a trophy to my bro, who had no idea just
how fucked up you could get in 20 mins.
i moved up to the counter and noticed a billboard. it
contained a white guy with a shit-eating grin shrugging his
soldiers and a comic bubble saying,
"HEY I DON'T MAKE THE RULES, I'M JUST HERE TO MAKE SURE THEY
right then i realized that i had become the plankton in the
whole cyst pool of humanity. then i looked aroudn and
noticed that every person there (wasn't staring) but glaring
40 oz in hand, wading through a sea of hateful tar i made my
way to the front.
i was so naive as to think that i would make it out of this
area without a confrontation.
i set off my car alarm. sorry i never use it. it's a piece
of shit. but i guess that one black person had me push the
left button. i keyed into my car and it hit that
phenomically loud crescendo as i tried to drift off into the
all of those jokes about car alarms being ignored are just
i will tell you right now, i got more high-fives than i have
ever gotten for driving a bmw out of a parking lot on the
cusp of a high-speed police chase...