muse

void deck
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2005-07-14 08:30:00 (UTC)

"i've never been in a relationship before."

"i have never been in a relationship before."

uncle joe did not believe me when i said those words to him.
he could not believe that a straight 21-year-old girl has
never been in a relationship.

but, yeah, sad to say that's the truth. i would not deny
that there were times when i envied sweet couples so much.
there were times i wish so much that a guy would tell me
that he liked me. the closest i had to a boyfriend was
nicholas. before i came to singapore he gave me a wooden
plague with words "I love You" written on it. until now i
don't know if he even mean those words. it would be nice if
he did. i don't know. i used to want to find out about it so
much that i told him in a letter that i wrote to him that i
liked him. but the response was bad. he did not mention
about that gift. he had probably forgotten about it. and
now, it does not matter anymore. i have relinquished all my
feelings for him.

another major crush i had was erick. i was so crazy about
him. he was very nice to me when we were in winstedt hostel.
i almost thought that the feelings are mutual. i never did
find out about that either. i always remember tha adrenaline
rush i got everytime i opened email from him. i still have
it. i wanted so much to be with him last year. i guess i
have grown out of it. i have grown numb of this feeling. he
still means a lot to me, but the feeling is subsiding fast.

i have not liked any new people for some time now. the last
person i liked was chin ling. let's not mention about it.
since i met erick again, i have not fallen for anybody else.
he caused me so much hurt yet i could not stop loving him.

i'm not sure i'm interested in falling in love again. i have
become much less sensitive now. i still love to listen to
mellow songs. i think about him everytime i listen to love
songs. and i feel foolish. i don't glorify love anymore. and
i'm so cautious in guarding my heart. i don't want to feel
too much. i've had my share of being hurt. life is at its
best when you don't feel that you own anything. life is at
its best when you know how to let go. when you can love yet
not becoming overly dependent on it.

that is what i've learnt all these years. and that is what
i've confirmed when hearing about uncle joe's story.

life's still full of shit. it's still better that dying though.


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