NotSoSadSadie

The Laughter Inside My Mind
2005-07-13 21:25:44 (UTC)

It s been awhile i know,i ve..

It's been awhile i know,i've slept most of my days away,but
i don't have the energy to stay awake most days..it's
affecting my children,i can see it but they really don't
say much about it...i'm their dead beat mother..no wonder
they always want to sleep over at someone else's
house,because i never want to do anything with them
anymore..i'm trying to snap out of it i really am...i even
decided 2 days ago to venture out of the house and take
them swimming down the road....we were there not even five
minutes and a poor lil 7 year old drown,how
terrible,watching 2 ladies perform c.p.r on this young
child,what if he was mine,the ambulance come,police cars
everywhere,i'm starting to get dizzy with all these
people,the child gets whisked away,and i tell my boys we
are going home,i can't let them swim where someone just
drowned,what if it was you i say...others stayed on,but not
us,my chest was caving in,thank goodness the walk isnt
far..it hurts like hell to walk that far,but the docotors
tell me i'll get over it or live with it,thanks docs,you
know my body so well,so much better than me...all my blinds
are closed and doors locked..now i feel safe,my boys go to
their rooms,to get away from their overly paranoid mom,who
can blmae them...not me...one day we'll be a normal family
again,but then again..what in the hell is really normal
nowadays?someone please tell me,because i sure don't get
it...it's almost 4:30 pm and i'm so so tired...i'm going to
go back to bed..nothing really to stay up for...at least
the boys are in the livingroom right now watching tv..my
panic attacks have worsened..i wake up out of a dead sleep
having one...soemtimes i am afraid to sleep,but yet it's so
comforting then i dont have to deal with any reality until
i wake up,maybe someone should just lock me up and throw
away the key..then i'll be safe...

With much Love,
Sadie




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