2005-07-12 15:21:21 (UTC)

I'm in love with my sadness....

I want him back -- it's as simple as that. When I'm with
him I completely forget about how shitty the last 7 months
have been. When he hugs me, I feel that he misses me, but
neither of us talk about what we used to have. And then
last night he dropped a bombshell -- him and Hollie are
getting back together. Definitely didn't see that one

Everyone that knows us tells me that it's not over. We've
been through too much for it to be over. Our friends say
that he'll come back to me because he knows deep down in
his heart that I truly do love him and that I can make him
happy in the long run, but right now he wants to
experience other people. I see it when he looks at me
that he still cares and doesn't want to hurt me, but it
just hurts so much that I have to wait it out and let him
decide when he's ready to come back. I waited for him for
3 years to admit that he liked me, and now it's been close
to 5 years that we've known each other... I just don't
know how much longer I can wait for him.

I love him and would wait forever, but my love for him is
impacting my other relationships. Whenever I hang out
with other guys I feel like I'm cheating on him... or at
least I'm hurting him if he would find out about it.

I don't know... I'm tired of crying about it, tired of
trying to figure it out... I just want to feel his arms
around me. Most of all, I just want to say to him all the
things that won't come out... and to tell him I'll wait...
because that's all I can do right now.

My heart hurts