Completely Incomplete

Letting Go Is All I've Held Onto
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2005-07-12 01:24:20 (UTC)

In and Out

I've been in and out of it all day.
I still can't comprehend every emotion ...
I don't know what I want.
I know how many times in my mind I had told myself "One
more chance" ...
This is diffrent and the same.
One more chance ... how many more is there left?
Things were going great! For once, everything was perfect
between me and Nik.
And then as fast as it had come, it was gone.
Over withen a snap of the fingers.
Maybe I don't want him back.
Maybe I do ...
I don't know.
It's not fair to toy with his emotions, even accidently,
like so.
I don't mean to cause him pain ... if I am that is.
But I don't know what I want.

How many times has the thought crossed my mind ... That
I'm not as high of a priority to him as I should be?
My stomache turns when he mentions Annie's name.
I know how much he loved her, and that he's still not over
her.
But given the chance, would he hold her in his arms again?
Something tells me that if he could he would ...

Just picturing her with him and ...

Once he told me something. Sweet when hearing the whole
thing but my mind captured on one thing.

"Like ... I like other girls. And I could picture myself
being with them. But it's you who I can picture being with
for the rest of my life."

He likes other girls ...
Strikingly ... It doesn't hit me as a surprise or a fatal
blow or what not.
I don't get it ... Usaully that news would make me turn
green with jealousy. But it really did nothing for me.

Has the spark of passion lost it's flame? A mere child
amung the world, who am I to know?
Has the ember died, or has it been stomped out and worn to
the last dying twist of smoke?
Who can know.
Sometimes this is how I feel. This is me.
But then I think about it.
Where would I be without the evening calls?
The mindless conversing, nothing to do with anything?
Do I really want it to end?

But then my mind will get no where, constantly comparing
Nik to Kade.
I'll get no where in my love life if I compare them to
him. No one would win.
Sure ... I'd love to hear from Nik once in a while. In a
letter or a message. I'd love it ...
But it's not like I need it to live. I won't die without
it.
After meeting the sweetest guy ... Things turn upside down
when you try not to compare whats sweet and what isnt.
He sent me flowers. He writes me poetry. He tells me he
loves me every second. He leaves me letters with heart
felt words. He seems to know me better then anyone. He may
not think that he listens well ... But he listens better
then anyone. Without critical judgment. Where am I going
to get in life, if I compare everyone to him?
Then the question comes up ... What about HIM?
What about Kade?
I love him, but do I like him?
People have asked me. And I say no ...
When really, how could I not like him?
That is every girl's dream, poetry, love letters, sweet
words every second, and a sense of humour (and sarcasm)
that can't be topped.
He always seems to be looking out for me ... Always.
When he feels I am mistreated ... or not getting
attention, he takes a stand. Because that's who he is.
He doesn't seem to be like any other guy.
He doesn't follow the new media generation, that I like to
call the "Your Mom" generation.

But ... How can I fall in love with someone who doesn't
plan on being around? He is living to die another day ...
I don't understand it anymore.

Part of me still wants Nik.
The other half seems to be taking a stand, and not willing
to give in.
No one seems second best to anyone right now.
One half wants me to give in, tell him I'm sorry, tell him
I love him and I want to be with him again.
But the other half is asking me about my morals.
I said ... many times in my head "One more chance"
He's on his last chance now ...
And I think that died last night.
All I did was try to help ... that's all I did.

I remember he asked me ... if I knew what it was like to
be depressed. Yes I do ... To keep my eyes from tearing,
and my heart from shattering, I just over dosed ... again.
Not too much this time ... four advil.

I just don't think this is going to work out.
I want it to ... but I don't think that is going to happen.

He was on his last chance ...
But I don't want it to end. I don't want this to be over.
Not like this.
Heartbreak is good for us, I know that.
Gives us a sense of who we are.

Independant flew out the door.
I clearly remember reading Hamlet last year.
And I remember laughing, when Ophelia asked her father
what she should think.
What should she think?
I wish I had someone to ask now. Not so funny anymore, is
it?

I want to give this another shot ... I don't want it to
end.
But I don't know if my heart is willing to.
One last shot ...


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