slave jess

Journal of Joels slave
2005-07-10 18:00:18 (UTC)

sub diary 10-07-05

greetings all,

i have been having a personally bad time at the moment. i
have been taking everything to heart. Master says a simple
thing and i believe He is having a go at me. there was a
misunderstanding over a comment i made in a page to Master.
this spun me out of control. Master is busy and working
this week end. He has sent me several emails some of which
crossed and confused me. Master had used my ISP mail
account as well as my yahoo account. different delivery
times cause the confusion. He & i managed to chat for a
short time today. i was crying most of the time so when
Master asked for phone contact i freaked out a little.

last evening i went to dinner with a male friend. i had
tried to ring Master for His permission but with phone gods
or what ever i couldnt speak to Him at all. my night was
good and the company good but i was not at ease at all.
before accepting his invitation i made it clear that it was
just a shared meal and no more. he paid. i drank diet coke,
he drank beer. he drove me home. no hugs no romanace at
all. Master asked if i was feeling guilty about dining out
with another male. No i wasnt s i know myself. i did like
the male one on one company. the only guilt is that i know
this friend has an interest in me.

i went to church this morning before chatting with Master.
i enjoyed it even if i was upset. i had a family b b q to
attend in the late afternoon. i made a potato salad &
savoury cob to take so i was able to chat with Master until
it was time for me to leave. Master had plans to spend time
with His mates so i didnt get to chat to Him as long as i
was able. i lied down with a headache then until it was
time to go. the b b q was unfriendly so i came home early.

i am just not happy right now. i feel as if i am causing
extra stress to myself. my comment last week about going
walkabout doesnt seem so tongue in cheek right now. i know
Master loves me and i dont doubt His love at all. but
sometimes that can be even worse. His love of me is so
strong so why am i like this? am i losing my mind?

slave jess {MJ}


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