Being the nice girl that I am and offering to help my
fellow co-worker, I volunteered to take JB's shoes back to
the UPS for return to sender. My phone was doing nothing
but ringing... a constant .. and I was doing my best to
return the shoes, re-assure a client and wasn't really
paying too much attention to the people around me. Well, as
I was leaving, I saw a man approaching with a heavy box, so
I nicely held the door open for my fellow man, never
looking at the face of this man.
It was James.
I was still yacking to my client, and noted the man had not
moved through the door with the speed-up pace of someone
who realizes you are doing them a favor and they don't
really want to be too pokey about it. When I finally looked
up to see why he was being so pokey, I realized he had
stopped and was just staring at me with a big grin on his
heart attack moment, don't let my eyes say too much, don't
let those feelings out and please God, don't let me make an
ass out of myself. It's casual Friday and I have on a polo
shirt, capris and slides. My hair is braided back and I
have like no make-up on. I look a sight. Certainly not as
good as I would try to look if I knew I was running into
Oh boy. How come when you are in that situation with the
One you have never quite gotten over, who you KNOW, won't,
can't wouldn't and never will, love you the way you loved
him and how much that hurts, my god, How come when you are
there in that situation, the man who loves me , who is by
my side and adores me and spends every day on the phone
telling me so-- how come he is sooooo far removed from my
mind and I am left, helpless, looking into James' eyes?
He asked how I was, if I was still seeing R-- and when I
said, yes yes, things are good, he said that he met someone
as well... she lives a bit far away, but things are going
well between them.
Well, dammit, that's too bad, I want to say.
But instead I say How Nice and I'm So Happy For You.
We chitty chatted about nothing, and time just stopped.
When I realized how far I was drifting and how I couldn't
even think of my own boyfriends name...and what a dangerous
situation I was in, I made some excuse.. Oh Gotta Fly,
sorry, see ya soon. He didn't seem to want me to go-- he
shook my hand, at least a touch, which went through me like
eletricity and now I just want to cry cry cry again... the
loss coming back in waves of pain and lonliness for a man
that I just can't stop loving.
Is it best to pray for those feelings to go away-- ? Why
now--why this coicidence? it it such, or did God put James
in my path for a reason? I'd love to entertain the thought
that he would come back...and sweep me off my feet... tuck
me away and kiss me in the way that he used to...
Ohhhh this is bad, this must go away. This must go away.
I will not call him nor see him, nor email him. I will not.
it's best to let this sleeping tiger lie away from me.
How I wish my heart was as obedient as the black and white
words on this computer program.
I will pray for a loving heart for my boyfriend and for no
other and trust that the Lord will lead my life the way
only He knows it will go. I will not try to change or
affect anything. I will be obedient and faithful.
But oh how I want to cry.
Think I will.