Lost_cold_alone

Flying on broken wings
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2005-07-07 22:52:27 (UTC)

Dancing Fireflys

Dear diary,

Here I sit, all alone... I feel silence has taken over my
body. Yet I wish to yell and scream, I wish tonight to
speak with Sandy and Chelsea, they are both at work right
now, and I am in school. Oh I’m sorry, today is June 17th
and I am tired of school. So far with the tests, I am
failing this class. I just got back my test from yesterday
and I made 55! ~Cries~ My parents are going punish me... I
study and that’s the point of the matter. Just on this
last test there were things that I forgot to study about.
It’s not my fault, and yet will be. There is only 7 days
left of Eco. But there is still Government left. Maybe
taking such a big class in such a short time was a bad
thing. It’s so cold in here- I know I should be paying
attention, but it’s cold and I’m tired, and don’t want to
care. I’m trying to multi-task, but it’s not working, and
I just hope he doesn’t call on me... Claire is asleep .
I wish I could too! Gah, more notes... now he is just
talking, and I want the hour to pass by us so that we can
go outside to lunch. What does transfer payments (Public
and private) mean? I am so lost... I wish someone could
help me. This is sad, I am trying to snap Claire out of a
daze. Well now I have to go read, and answer questions. So
night.

Well I am back, and it’s after lunch and Chelsea came up
to school with pants! Hehe, I am so happy, I am not cold
anymore! =^-^= mew! Oh yeah, and I am still doing badly in
class and for some reason Veronica is still mad. Well it
seems like it, I am not sure she seems really tired too.
Oh, and I have to tell you, what happened last night...

Well I best tell you what happened between my father and I
first. - My dad last night was trying to figure out what
was wrong with me. You see I think he saw me talking to
Kevin over the net. He asked me if I really loved him. I
couldn’t lie, I said yes. As much as I protest using that
word with him... I told him yes. Then he asked me a
question that tore me apart. He said, “do you have time
off?”. I showed him my calendar, I only have one week
free, and then he told me something I thought I would
never hear from him. He said that, “If you love him that
much, I am willing to send you to him”. I felt like I
could fly. So later that night I called Kevin up, I was
busting to tell him. I asked what he was doing the 19th,
through the 26th... I even had to lie to Trios, but his
answer made me feel horrid. I wanted to cry he had a
family vacation. Then, that was it... The joy was over,
the trip would be pointless... to get to him would be a
waste of money. I left him for dinner, at dinner I knew my
dad saw that I had been crying. Mum hadn't for I am able
to hide it well. Then there was a storm, strong winds and
hail and green sky. My dad got everyone down stairs. I
curled up in the armchair and fell asleep. My mum woke me
up around 10pm. I just went up stairs and tried to go back
to sleep. Then my dad came in and asked if I could help
him. While I was helping him load his pictures from his
camera from Harry’s birthday party, I told him. I told him
that Kevin would be out of town. He just sighed and nodded
and told me we would work on making it another time. With
that I turned and went back to be. I couldn’t find my
teddy, I didn’t cry. I just laid on my bed thinking to
myself, looking up to the ceiling. I woke up to dad’s
voice, everything else I did that night I have
forgotten... I think its cause I cried myself to sleep...
for I woke up clung to my teddy.

Well back to school, we are learning about poverty. Most
of the class is finally participating to this, but in the
beginning they were all asleep. Break woke us up for once.
Well going back a bit on myself again, but my dad did say
that I could see about going to see him the first week of
August, I don’t know what will happen, I just hope-... if
not I would like to see Alexandra, of Amber... I don’t
know... I want to meet my other family, but I don’t want
to dishonor them. I think I rather just visit those few
people. O.o wow! My wrist hurts... well now I look at it I
have written a lot, and have to type this out yet. Well I
have to go now, oh and we have 35 minutest left! Tonight I
think after/before I go to the ice cream parlor with
Chelsea and Sandy I will go into a yahoo chat room. Oh,
and I have to call back Jay, can’t forget about her. More
so since now I know she has been in a car reek. Well I am
almost home now, so soon I have to get things done. Oh,
and study too. =^-^= That is if I wish to study.

-=Dear diary=-

Hey diary, it’s almost lunchtime, well when 11am come
around that is. Oh, and it’s June 19th, my hand is so
tired. The girls in here (other than my friends) hate me.
They are all prisses! I wish they would get off my case,
and stop whispering about me. So what if I know what I’m
doing, part of the time... doesn’t mean they have to drop
me to their level. Clair makes me smile; she is the girl
next to me. Then there is Kiki behind her, and the person
behind her is Christie. Then behind me is Chris, and
behind him is Veronica, also know as Lilly. They are
really nice, we only talk to each other, we are all
different but we come and are friends. I need to go pee!
Ah! T-T I can’t go right now, I need to pay attention...

*Dear diary*

I really have to catch up, don’t I? Well today is June
21st, out last week of Economics. Well we just have to
take a test; my test grades have been going up, for that I
am grateful. Well Kevin is in Florida, and he keeps text
messaging me. We are both dorks, but he is just a tall
dork. You should be proud of my diary; I haven’t been
goofing off since I wrote my last entry to you. I study
hard now, and only write and sleep when I can. Like now,
we are waiting for the last few students to finish taking
their tests. We are all done now, and now we are watching
a movie on labor. It’s really weird. The music is really
crazy! Sounds like polka music, oh, and did I mention that
it was about warehouse labor, not mummy type labor. I’m
bored, and need to go potty, but I have cookies, so I’m
set. ^_~. Claire gave them to me. 8 minutes till I get to
go potty, and to grandfathers house for movie night!

Dear diary

June 22nd, it’s so nice; I have three brothers on line
now. It’s really sweet, they all take care of me, and all
try to help me. There is Kiley, Iori, and Sean. Then again
I should make a family tree, if I look over it I have made
such a large family, and one that I love so much. I know I
have three families, one is gone... one is at home, and
the other is on the net and all are in my heart. The
family I love most... is the one that combines them all,
sorry diary. I know that was random but last night it hit
me, and it reminded me. I mean in real life my real
brother, Harry is away this week and I miss him. Then the
other night Sean and Kiley... even brother Iori put me to
bed, just in different rooms. They are all so kind. They
truly are the greatest brothers. Oh, and diary, I also met
my grandparents. My nana is so sweet; she gave me kitty
plush toy. Now Mr. Ted-Ted has a friend. Mew =^-^=. Oh! In
real life I also get a kitty! Koona is bringing it over on
Sunday! I am so excited!

~Cries softly~ I’m so happy, I mean, I love kitty’s and to
give this little guy a home is wonderful. But yeah, and it
will be my responsibility. That’s okay though, I just wont
am able to multi-task, cause I don’t want to hurt her or
forget something. Like I normally do... I shall be the
best mother ever!

} Dear diary {

Today is June 23rd, 2005. I found hell; my parents are
fighting again. I’m trying not to cry this time; after all
I am the eldest of the children. I am glad Harry is away
on vacation, and having a great time. He should be, he
should be able to be happy. He is growing up so fast
diary. Gone through so many changes and yet not even half
way there yet. He has really curly hair now, and mum is
always getting on to him on how he should brush, and wash
it, but he just jumps in the pool when he has to. He has
made a lot of friends, and he loves to swim and play pool
games with them and Chris. Diary, do you remember when I
wrote how mean Chris, my brother, was to me? Well he has
changed a lot since then. He now is more like a brother to
Harry and I. He also does the dishes now.

Well today was the last day of summer school, first
session, though it was hard it was fun too.

I just went down to dinner, mum and dad sat down to dinner
with me. We had salads. Ham and turkey, with ranch
dressing. My dad called Auntie Brenda, his sister, and
talked to her about what is going on. Now somehow things
have gotten to mums side of the family, and new of her
being a bad mother has spread... It hurts a lot diary. I
hate myself right now for yelling at them... I just wish I
could tell them how much I love them. The words they use,
just hurt so much... and I can hear them ringing through
my head... I just wish they had the common sense to call
up and see what was really going on... to get down to the
truth...

::Dear diary::
Today is Monday June 27th, and my first day of Government,
summer school. We have only been here for an hour, if that
and already done work. I have some of the same people
here, and some different. The boy next to me is a real
fidget bum. I think that’s the way he learns through,
cause he finished his work in no time flat, and yet he
wont keep still! ~Sigh~ Only a few more weeks until Kevin
comes down here. Well yeah, okay lets talk some about
Kevin. He is coming down July 14th. Two days after my
birthday! Ek! I am so excited about it! Just lately I
feelI'm the happiest girl in the world. I mean over the
weekend I got a new kitty from Koona, and I call her
Kirara. She is a black kitty, and has the prettiest blue,
brown eyes in the entire world. The boy next to me is
rude, or so acting like it. I wish Christie was in out
class again, or Kiki, she was really funny. The people in
here seem dull, and bland. Other than Chris, Lilly, and
their corner. I am just thankful ribbon girl and her
friend got split up, they were really annoying. Out
teacher is really odd, he makes himself have a really
raspy voice.

I wanted my daddy but he hasn’t been here in so long. My
real daddy has been, but Ziggy hasn’t. I know he probably
is busy, but I hope he is not hurt. They girl across from
me, on the other side of the room, seems nice. I’m not
sure what to think. I really want my mummy, an’ ex daddy
now.

Great diary... he learnt my name already. We can’t sleep
in this class or it’s points off. So no chance for me
today. Today is going to be the longest day in History...
an hour seems like forever... and forever seems like an
eternity... I keep answering questions, and yet I feel
silent. I hate my accent, it makes me want to fall silent,
and sleep. Half the class is asleep, and now he is raising
his voice. Lunch is still so far away... and I need to go
potty! Yay! Lunch is over, and so is more of the school
day. I am really staring to get tired. I can hear “blah,
blah, blah, blah” coming form his mouth.

Deathly slumber sets down upon me, as I now tire, and sit
here dreaming. The soft hum of the air vents now run
through my head. The silence surrounds me. Taking me down
to rest on the heavens made bed. Yet thunder now roars, as
the lesson presses on, trying to wake the children from
their slumber.

Wow, I am really brain dead, I have seen Bryce, and he
jumped me T-T... boredom! The black cloak surrounds me,
shading my eyes from the board... The information now a
blur, I can not see... It feel like a dream, but yet
now... my vision clears, and finally I can see again...
the dawn has come again... yet- I wish that dazed dream
would come back to me...

Through, I wish to dream I know this school will teach me
all that I need to build myself a bright future. I can’t
multi-task, and yet I am trying so hard to. It’s real
funny. He thinks I am paying attention more so since I am
writing so small. Oh yeah! I also have a real easy project
due Wednesday for extra credit. Cool! Red, shinny dot! Oh
it’s the teacher’s laser pointer. I want a hung-... o.o
that was random. I don’t really ~snuggles her teddy~ I
just want you and kitty! =^-^=

//Dear diary

Last night I was taken to Lita’s house, and we went
swimming. It was fun, and we also had tacos! =^-^= Then I
came home, I had a little more dinner, and then mum asked
me to color her hair, so I did. It turned out a carrot
color, she wasn’t happy, because of it... my parents
started to fight AGAIN.... And I didn’t want to leave
Kevin on the net. I wanted him next to me, and yet as far
away as possible. Just so that he wouldn’t have to hear
the screaming and the words of hate around him. I love him
enough to not want him hurt. I want him here, cause he is
my warmth and strength. Just like my father and brothers
that are so far away, well... the ones from the dream
world (net).

Well right now we are in school, I fell asleep, that will
hurt my grade but I was just so tired. Well “rock the
vote” is over, it’s a move, and now we have to do a review
sheet. It was really easy but I think I should go change
one answer, I did, and then lunch came. I told Taylor and
Cody about Kevin coming down and they are excited to meet
him. They are both straight, but jokingly they said they
would make him gay. Hehe, I really need to type you out. I
have about six pages on notebook paper. I just though
about something. I still need to go potty. Well today
after school I get to do my project, and then at 4pm Sango
is going to come and pick me up and we are going to
Chilies. Then after that we are going to the dollar store
and buy candy! Then after that we are going to Sango’s
park, and walk around the lake until dark. Then we will go
to her house, and just hang out there until we have to get
going. It will be Stubby, Sango, Koona, Lita/Kite, Fi-
chan, and Karl/Murdock.

Well still in school right now, oh! Before I forget, I
colored my hair at the sides. Well, I really didn’t mean
to, but the side is colored light brown/ blond. People say
it looks cute, but... I think it’s a warning for me to
clip my hair back next time I color mums hair.

Diary, I think- No, I know I upset Amber. If this is the
end of us speaking, I just hope she and her bride to be
are well, she is really sweet from what I have heard.... I
was wrong for falling in love, and hurting her. I should
have respected her more as a friend and not a lost love.
She means so much to me I was wrong diary. I’m just glad
that the last time I spoke to her things was finally
looking up after a hard week.

~Sigh~ My mind wont stop jumping around, I think it's
trying to get something down but just can’t right now. 13
minutes until I get to go potty. I have pee! T-T I think
that's why I am so random. My tummy is killing me! My
teacher is really boring, and I think Claire is mad at me
for answering a question, for I think she knew the answer.
I still have to go potty. 7 minutes! I can’t wait that
long; I’m starting to feel sick again. 4 minutes. I went
potty! As we were leaving from break I was putting my
Jacket on and suddenly Delta grabbed my shirt. Her fingers
went down my shirt, and to my bra. I blew it off once I
saw what she was doing. She pulled me away from running
into the metal tables outside. She is really nice, and the
more I get to know her the more I am glad Taylor
introduced her to me. I just hope that she gets what she
wants, you see, I think she likes Cody. ^-^ Oh and my
teacher is a republican, for that I can get extra points,
so I have to remember that!

--Dear diary--

Today is June 30th, and still it feel so far away till
Kevin comes down here, 14 days left.... I’m hungry; sorry
today is another random day for me. Well let me tell you
about last night, my stomach was killing me during the
day. I threw up cause my period had just started, and in
school. I had no herbs/painkillers. So I was stuck when I
got home, I took some and flopped on my bed, and fell
asleep for a while. Then I woke up, and went to my laptop
and talked to people. Then Cody called (the elder Cody)
from Washington, and we talked for a little. I told him
about Kevin and I... and like everyone else, he sent me
through the guilt trip. He made me cry, and I was on the
edge of telling Kevin that we should just be friends...
like we really should be, but I just ran to my room and
cried curling to my teddy-... I don’t remember anything
else... I just remember waking up with a headache.

((Dear diary))

Hello, long time no write, well today is July 7th, and we
had a project due today. I turned it in, and I hope that
he sees that I put a lot of work into it. Well I didn’t
write anything today in class, other that this. It’s
really stupid, and it’s about the fireworks from July 4th.
Oh and by the way, I was at Kite’s for the 4th. It was
fun, and we had chicken and ribs!

Dancing in the clear night sky, lights up high... Shine
like stars. Flying free in the high night sky, there free
to fly... in the moonlit sky. With a clash and pop more
lights fly, waving in the silent night sky. Yet there gone
in a puff of smoke... yet to come again next 4th of July.

Lifting from the ground, a puff of smoke leaving a trail,
leading to the dark sky above. Hitting the sky, a loud
clash echoes through the sky, and sparks of fire dance
around in the sky. All different colors giving off a show,
of true beauty...

Okay, so it’s corny, I was bored and tired. Well that’s
all for now-... No, I take that back. There is news. My
laptop finally gave way to the virus and all the other
things wrong with it. So I don’t have Internet access
other than my mums so I won’t be on much. That and I are
kind of grounded- though, that’s something that doesn’t
really matter. Only 7 days left!

-Amy -5:49PM


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