AutumLeaves

Autum's Leaves
2005-07-06 20:37:16 (UTC)

Synapse Malfunction

On more that one level. To be honest, I'm not sure what
to write today, because I have to cover today and
yesterday and thier completely different.

Yesterday, I spent with the guy. *thinks* I had a lot
of fun...he makes me really happy. I've been thinking
about "us" a lot lately...and it's hard to know what to
do. I can't let him by though...I mean, I really can't.
He's just a great guy, he's so sweet, he makes me feel
great, *shrugs* And he dosen't make me cry. And he's
just...wonderful I guess. I had a great time with him,
even though I couldn't kiss him, which was miserable. Ugh.
If there was ever a day when I could have raped his lips,
it would have been that day. We fooled around...*thinks*
Well, yes, we did much more than fool around, and it was
great. I do have to say. He's different than anything I've
ever felt, which is kinda nice in a way. I really enjoy
it, and I love how much he gets into things. The
passionate thing, I love.

Today...*sigh* Went into work, was a little late, it
was super busy for awhile, but it calmed down, plus the
day went by really quickly. Came home, called mom since
she wanted to talk, and we got into a huge argument,
basically because I don't tell her where I go anymore.
There's a reason for that. The first time I told her I was
going to see the guy, she didn't approve, therefore I
don't tell her when I see the guy. It's not like I'm doing
heroine in a back alley and not telling her, it's that I'm
driving a couple of hours to see someone I really like.
*shrugs* To be completely honest, neither of us handled
the situation very well. In the end, I told her I would do
what she wanted. I'd tell her where I went, IF she
wouldn't stop me from going where I was going, and she
wouldn't judge me. The judging thing she didn't even come
close to accepting. The not stopping me thing...she said
if she didn't approve then she just wouldn't approve, but
she couldn't stop me from what I was doing, and that it
was better not to tell her what I was doing if it was
something she didn't approve of. And while all this sounds
very rational while typing it out, it wasn't at the time.
She hung up on me two times while I was trying to talk to
her, and then I had to go see her at her work since that
was the only way she would finish talking to me. In the
end I told her I wouldn't tell her where I was going.

She can be part of my life if she wants. It's hard to
lose a friend, and that's what she was. I lost my dad as a
friend a long time ago...but it still makes me sad,
miserably sad, that I love both of my parents so
much...they just always have a problem with what I do.
Sometimes I think I really should just be a bad kid...I
mean, do drugs, get caught partying all the time, just say
fuck college and throw away all my scholarship money, not
work and depend on them for everything. I feel like...I
don't know what I feel like. We're all human, we all make
mistakes and we all love and hate people for different
reasons and time periods. It's hard to be logical all the
time, it's hard not to let your emotions run away with a
situation. And it's always hard to be level headed, and
not make low blows when someone is giving them to you.
We're all flawed, and we're all human. The thing that sets
us apart is the fact that we have the ability to be
humane, to forgive, be kind, to think and be level.
Sometimes we fail, sometimes we succeed, but each fight,
each smile, each laugh and each tear gives us a memory,
good or bad, it lets us live. And that is better than
anything.