Ashley

Deception
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2005-07-05 23:56:28 (UTC)

Confusion

Overall this weekend was ok, I guess. I went out with my
friend Quintin on Friday. I hadn't seen him in almost a
year so it was really good to get re-acquainted with
eachother. He's really happy and that makes me happy for
him. He's such a nice guy and I'm sure he'd make a great
boyfriend to someone in the future, but I just don't feel
it. After getting food and heading to a movie we promised
eachother we'd get together again before he left to go
back to school in the begining of August -- we'll see if
things work out.

Saturday I went to work after having only gotten 4 and a
half hours of sleep. I was happy that I got to see Brynn
because I needed someone to talk to about some things that
had been going on. I used to really like Brynn, but now
he's engaged and we're just really good friends. He's one
of the only people that I can be truly honest with when it
comes to my feelings about certain relationships and
problems I'm having. Since Brynn wasn't going to get out
on a loop he asked me to drive him to his car -- which I
willingly did. He asked me about Fitz and Jason... and
then about Andy... and I just lost it. I started crying
to him about how hard things are right now -- how Fitz
moved to Colorado, I hadn't heard from Jason in weeks, and
how I was extremely confused and hurt by Andy.

I think I scared Brynn a little bit because he hadn't seen
me cry in 2 years. He started giving me advise and being
the older-brother figure that I needed at that moment.
Then he wiped my tears, gave me a hug, and told me he was
going to go screw his fiance... which, of course, made me
laugh and brought me into a better mood. The rest of the
work day was uneventful and when I got home that afternoon
I actually got a phone call from Jason inviting me up to
the lake house for his birthday festivities.

Happily, I headed up there and had a great time. I like
Jason, I'm intrigued by him, but I can't really figure him
out. At times it seems like he likes me, he'll do cute
things like put his arm around me when we're sitting by
the campfire and stuff, or he'll put his head in my lap
when we're around his friends, but I don't really know if
his apparent affection for me is genuine. I almost feel
like I'm one of the girls on The Bachelor when I'm around
him because there's always other girls there trying to win
his affections.

Overall the night was really fun. Jason's friend Curt got
really drunk and kept trying to kiss me, and his cousin
Jason was really funny as well. I felt like I was an
outcast almost tho because I was one of 2 people that were
under 21 so I couldn't go with Jason to Blarney's Island
with the rest of the party. That was disappointing, but
when I finally decided to leave Jason walked me to my car
with my arm in his (it was too cute) and he gave me a very
perfect good night kiss and told me he would call this
week (we'll see if that actually happens).

Yesterday I had to work with Andy (greaaaaaaat) and the
day went OK I guess. We were civil, even friendly at
times, but I know I made him feel bad when I brought up
him cheating on me with Hollie and then by letting him
that him going to Petty with Erica didn't help our
situation. Everytime he tries to flirt with me, or make
things the way they used to be between us, I resist (or
try to resist) and let him know that he put us in the
situation we're in right now. I did everything to try to
make him happy and he was the one that fucked it up. Of
course, he doesn't like when I bring that up, so we go
back to not talking to eachother until the next time we
end up flirting with eachother. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm just so lost right now ... I really want to like
Jason, but I'm worried about becoming part of his world
because I know there are some things that I might not be
able to deal with. I want to try to fix things with Andy,
but there's nothing left to save.

I just want to be something more than a sweet girl with
great tits to someone. Seriously, is that too much to ask
for?!

Fuck, now I'm annoyed.

~Ash~


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