LibraLady

ImIn&Lost
2005-07-02 02:43:26 (UTC)

Twisted

I feel like my idea of love is twisted. All my life I've
wanted to be loved in a way that is unreal. I've always
watched soap operas. I know it's not reality, but sometimes
the love that is shown between two people on there is what
I'm looking for. Why is it so hard for people to open up
and express what they feel? I even have a hard time of it.
My fears of being hurt make me pull away. I keep telling
myself that my husband is distant because it's the way he
was taught. I mean, how can you show love for someone if
they were never shown it growing up. Still I feel like if
you truely love someone that it will come naturally. That
you will be unable to hold back what you feel. My husband
tries. He does tell me he loves me and hugs and kisses me
on occasion. I just want more. I want us to lay in bed
together and have him stare at me and tell me just how much
he loves me. Tell me that you can't live without, how
thankful you are for me. Beg me to love you forever, never
let go. As I write this I cry because I think he don't feel
that way. I think if I left tomorrow that it wouldn't hurt
him as much as it hurts me. I think he would move on. What
if he stays with me because he can't do any better then me?
Maybe his low self-esteem or his depression keep him here.
Maybe he's not telling me the whole truth and staying with
me because it's the right thing to do. I am carrying his
son right now. It could be he's making a go at it for all
the wrong reasons. I don't know. I'm all alone right now
and I have bad feelings about this all the time. I try and
keep my mind busy but when I'm alone this is what happens.
I feel myself slowly falling apart. I see myself old and
alone because of this. I want a love that's not realistic.
Most people search all there life for that one great love.
Probably over half of them think they have it and realize
way too late that they've wasted half there life with the
wrong one. Will that be me? I really feel like my husband
is the one but the past haunts me. Slowly eating me from
the inside out. I guess the saying,"Life sucks, then you
die" does ring true in some ways.




Ad: