muse

void deck
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2005-07-01 14:57:43 (UTC)

pondering on life

my body is so exhausted. been working for the 9 hours today.
it feels as if my bone's going to break. but i feel good.
because i've done something today. instead of slacking my
day away, i have actually done something. i can support my
living here fully during holiday.

i used to have this great longing to travel. i have not lost
that longing yet. however, i realise that i don't have the
urge to travel anymore. i know i can't afford it now and i
don't want to have a trip like the one i had to australia
last year. i won't depend on anyone fully anymore. i felt so
stupid after that trip to australia. there's no sweet
memories to keep. yes, i did see sydney opera house. i saw
melbourne. i went to casino. i went to surfer's paradise. i
saw millions of stars. yet,i know that i am not satisfied.

it is not the kind of holiday i wanted. i want to experience
people instead of the place. i want memories more than
photos. and i realise that for the time being i am not
ready to travel yet. i don't have enough money and i don't
have someone i want to travel with. i will wait. i will wait
until my dream travel is possible.

what is he doing now? is he playing his bass guitar now? is
he thinking of me now? i am thinking about him. i realise
that now, the person i want to be with the most is him. i
want to be with him, i want to see him when i come back from
work. i want to have children and i think it will be nice
if he's is the one to build a family with me.

i know this thought is crazy and too far-fetched. yet, i
couldn't imagine me being with someone else. because he's
the closest i know to being a life partner.

ironically, i know deep in my heart that we are never going
to be a couple. we are friends and will always be. will
never be more than that. i know it. i'm not sad but for the
present, let him be my imaginary life partner. because i'm
in the period in which i dream often about my future family.
and i need someone to think of as my future husband.

life's tiring, but i'm not complaining now. i'm thankful for
it. i hope i can sort out my problems really soon. i'm tired
of sitting on the fence of beliefs.


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