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2005-06-30 09:21:34 (UTC)

Words of the Wise

Does a new place equal a new start? A clean slate? A
fresh place to begin anew?

*sigh, if it were only that easy. And if it was, people
would be movin all the time... perhaps that is why I seem
to move so much.

Yep, I'm moving once again. To a new place on 82nd. New
appliances, nice wood floors. Kinda tiny, but I think
we'll manage. Brit's moving in with us, Bryan and I. I
wonder how long that will last.
I wonder how long I will last. Moving seems to have
become a reaccuring part of my life, I wonder if is an
uneasy habit I have developed...

Bryan's out of town right now, in Spruce Meadows working
at the horse shows. He's been gone only a day or so, and
I'm starting to feel it. Although, the time to myself is
nice and I am enjoying the extra bed room... I just miss
his presence. There's a certain.. comfort when he is

So, here I am at 2:30 in the morning, wanting to write.
Perhaps to blow off some stress, or perhaps I am dreading
spending the night alone...

Bryans not coming back until the 11th. And I had thought
1 week was going to be tough. But, at the same time, this
might b just what we needed. They say the heart grows
fonder when 2 or apart. I agree. It gives time to become
comfertable with oneself once more, to find a stablity in
just being with yourself. To let some weight from the
relationship go.

If only one could take a break from life that way. I
always had thought that vacations were supposto bring that
relief, but real life is always just around the corner, in
the back of the mind. Pushing against your will. It all
can be traced back to money, the root of all evil. I
believe it.

It causes uneccisary stress, bending and warping a persons
mentailty, their perception on life. Causing them to act
out in ways that do not reflect themselves.

Needless to say, I'm having money issues once again,
although this time I feel I have taken a step ontop of it.
I am not concerned, perhaps I am ignoring it..or perhaps I
am just looking at it a little bit differently.
Money is a tool, as they say.

I spose I better start earning some, if I wish to pay for
the things I desire. A new apartment, new furniture.

.. Is that all I really desire tho? .. do I truly desire
these things? Yes, in a way, but not for the material
aspect of it. I desire it because it will mean Bryan will
be there. And everything there will be a part of him and
I, and that, I must say, is a truly comforting feeling.
One of the only comforting feelings I have these days.

Perhaps it is the fact that I passed, finally, my grade
10 year. Yes, thats right, I did it! Although it took me
awhile, I worked hard (harder then I have in the past
obviously) and I have accomplished something to be proud
of. Suddenly, it all doesnt seem as difficult. Next term,
it will be easier, and I will give more of myself to it.

In the meantime, while waiting for another round of
schooling to begin, I must focus myslef on getting a job
and bringing some money into our lives, Bryan and I. I
have been telling myself that it is only fair of me to
pull my weight for the last year, and yet, I fall short
every once in awhile. It puts love into my heart, to know
that Bryan catches me when I fall with no judgement, with
no backlash. I've never experienced that before, and it
truly is a great feeling. I now feel safe..not matrial
wise, not money wise, but.. something deeper.
So now, I will strive. For him, because he definetly
deserves that and much more.

It is strange to come to the conclusion that I did not
care enough to do it soley for myself. And now, I care
about this man and the bond between us and I feel that if
he loves me, then I should love me too. He is my guide, my
companion, the one I look to for the reassurance of what
to do, for I did not trust my own judgement enough.
Doubt creeps in like the unwanted fool that it is,
tearing the connection, putting a blinder on my sences.
The future has not happened yet, there is only the here
and now. So do not be consumed by its unforgiving nature.

I was beautiful when I once had hope, I believed that it
was the only thing that made me special, that made me
stand out from the rest.
When it was gone, I felt there was nothing left for a man
to love and nothing left for myself to love. Along came a
man who found beauty in what I was without it.
You can only be who you are, no more no less.
I stopped struggling to be all the things that I thought
was 'perfect,' I stopped being a fake, putting a mask over
the emptiness that had taken me over and I found
rationalty, reason and truth. My thoughts, sharper, my
understanding toned, my veiw on reality unblurred. I
stopped fighting myself, for there was no point. Thru
this, I found stability. Thru this, this man loved me for
I seen it was what he had become aswel and I loved him for
The price for wisdom is high but I would not tade it for
the world. I am no longer afraid for I have found one who
has travelled the same path and have realized I am no
longer alone, in body, mind and soul. What bliss.
Fear is a tireless foe. It is always around the corner,
always in the back of your mind, taunting you, harrassing
you, urging you to indulge in its confusion. It will
consume you, leading you in directions of its choosing. It
will deture you from the path you wish to travel, yes,
fear is the biggest adversairy of humankind. And we all
have it within us.
Perhaps the key is to understand fear, to know that it is
a part of each of us. To accept that it will be there,
accompanying you thru everything. They say knowledge is
power. Perhaps the acceptance of this will give you power
over this darkness that can manifest in us all.
Fear - Anticipation of pain

Pain - a human reaction to unwanted stimuli, which can
result in death or the scarring of the soul and negitive
influences on the human condition.

Human conditioning - the effect of past experiences on
your day to day actions, your moment to moment choices.

3:20am. I'm not contributing much by staying up any later.


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