NotSoSadSadie

The Laughter Inside My Mind
2005-06-30 04:37:25 (UTC)

Therapy went well...i'm sure it did

Last night as i smoked the days last cigarette,i listened
to the sounds of nature..it was so beautiful to hear the
birds chirping,so carefree they are,i would so love my mind
and sould to be like that...i'm loving the relaxation for
as long as it lasts before my mind starts going non stop
again...where do all these thoughts come from if i am in a
calm stage?,why won't my mind stop? i had a really bad
panic attack when i tried to go to sleep,its the first time
in about 3 weeks where i had to take two colonopine...i
hate having to take meds to help me function with everyday
lifes tasks but i cant help it,i feel embarrassed alot of
the time knowing that i need meds to help me,and that i'm
not normal(but what is normal really?)i feel people can see
my sickness,especially when im having a panic attack,too
many people,stop looking i'll be ok,just give me my space
(but they really aren't paying attention to me,or laughing
at me)it's ok i try to tell myself....i'm not alone...its
ok if i need meds and a therapist to help me through...i'm
not bad..
My session will jarrod went well i think...sometimes i
really feel mental telling him some of the things i
say..i'm embarrassed like i don't have the right to feel
the way i do...i tell him somethings(it don't make me feel
better..can't explain why)but i did get to cry over my
feelings and fears about mike(which i havent got to do in a
long time)that felt goos,because loving someone and hating
them at the same time is so damn confusing,i feel myself
slipping in my depression and i thought maybe talking with
jarrod would help some,but i feel the tears behind my
eyelids,why do i hold them back? isn't it ok to cry? well
of course it is,but then WHY THE HELL can't i?..i slept
most of the day away,the boys went to a movie witth my
sister and i slept...then when they got home...i wnet to
use the bathroom and i just blew up at them..why do i do
these things? i shouldnt be going off on them..god gave
them to me to love and teach them,not be a crazy hateful
mom..lord i pray to help me love them,help me to explain to
them my sickness(if that's what you call it) so they know
everytime i say im sorry it's not an excuse..am i in
denial?..am i really sick..and i just try to play it off?
then why am i trying to get help,oh damn i confuse myself
alot of times.....i hav e to clean my room,but i am sooooo
tired,sometimes i want to go to sleep and not wake up,but
then i wont see my children grow,or see my grand-
children,so nooo,i can't think like that...anyways,when my
sleep apnea kicks in(i believe thats what it is)my guardian
angel ALWAYS seems to wake me up some how gasping for
air,so i guess it's not my time to go...why am i
depressed,why am i lonely,no matter what i try,it won't go
away,i try to smile,but inside i'm crying,i try to
laugh,but my soul feels like its been slowly dying...oh
lord let me get off this pity pot,it's not taking me
anywhere...i'm hoping i get enough courage to take these
pages in for jarrod and dr.kollross...i need someone else
to be inside my head with my,helping me understand all
this...all i see is blackness,yet i know somewhere the
should be a light...i'm going to go back and read my very
first entry,maybe i can make some sense of this shit,then
since the boys are asleep,i'm going to try that relaxation
technique that jarrod gave me,so if i get it down pat,then
when i do start to panic i can use it..Wish me Luck

With much Love,
Sadie




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