Ashley

Deception
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Ezoic
2005-06-29 04:19:06 (UTC)

Shitty

I've been really down for the last few days. Part of it
is because of Andy's moods, but part of it is having
reached a tough realization. Andy's just been totally
bipolar lately... one day he's all touchy-feely and
seeming like he wants to try to get back together... then
the next day he won't even look at me. It's difficult
because even though I know I haven't done anything wrong
I'm still questioning my actions and wondering if I have
some bearing on his moods.

The other realization that I've come to is that I have to
let him go for good. I was hanging out with Briana
tonight (one of our mutual friends) and she told me that
she had spoken to Erica (this new girl in the group).
Erica had told her that she sorta liked Andy and Andy
liked her back, but she wondered was my deal was with
Andy. So of course Briana told Erica that Andy and I were
together for a while (I can't wait til Erica says
something to Andy about that), but Erica sorta figured
that out on her own.

It's hard to be mad at Erica or to hate her because she's
such a cool nice girl. But it's still hard -- it's hard
to see someone you love have feelings for someone else --
and it's REALLY hard to have it happen right in front of
you.

It was difficult dealing with Andy's relationship with
Hollie, but I never had to meet the girl -- I could think
she was the biggest ugliest bitch in the world if I wanted
to. But with Erica it's 1 million times worse because I
know her and I have something to compare myself against
which drives me crazy because she's so similar to me (at
least I think so).

Ugh, I just don't know. I'm tired of stressing over this
whole thing with Andy -- will we or won't we get back
together, what does he want, should I ask him straight out
what he's thinking about "us", should I ask him about
Erica, should I do nothing and hope he chooses me...
believe me, the list goes on and on but I won't bore you
with the multiple other questions I ask myself on a
constant basis.

Seriously, everytime I look at Andy I either think about
him sleeping with Hollie (which absolutely disgusts me and
makes me pissed off at him), or I think about her dumping
him (which brings a smile to my face, but at the same time
makes me want to comfort him since I know what it feels
like -- thanks to him -- dumbshit), but lately I've been
thinking about what it would be like to get back together
with him.

I just don't know what to do, but these thoughts are
driving me crazy! This is the worst time too because I
have a midterm on Thursday and all I can think about is
this Andy/Erica/Hollie/me situation (I know, my life is so
complicated).

Shitty timing!
~Ash~


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