NotSoSadSadie

The Laughter Inside My Mind
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2005-06-28 04:21:07 (UTC)

it's not really her i should be telling..it's jarrod...or is it?

Wow!!!!Too much time has passed since i've last updated,i
have thought many times about doing it,then i get too lazy
or i can't get the gumption i need to go forth...
I really don't know where to begin,so as i start to write
everything will most likely be jumbled(just as it is in my
brain)so bare with me and we'll get through this just fine.
I started watching one of my aunts daycare kids for her
until she gets licensed(the 13th of this month it began)and
i stopped watching the baby that i was watching;because it
was my best friends little girl and she decided since we
are friends that she could take advantage of me,well i
took it for so long but it does get tiring having to chase
her down to pay me the money she owed me,and she really
did feel like my best friend because she wasnt there for me
to talk to when i needed her,it was only when she needed
something for me and she knew i'd never say no because i
loved the baby like she was my own..
I enjoy havin the one little girl now because i get to
spoil her and then send her home,she has made friends with
the three little girls that live next door..which is
awesome then she wont be so lonely...
Hubby got out of jail 20 days early(how he does it is
beyond my knowledge)and the paranoid feelings have come
back that he is watching my house..i love him still(yes i'm
a fool)but not in the way anyone thinks(i haven't told
ANYONE how i still feel about him..i won't either)yet i
hate him with a great passion...i know hate is such a
strong word but i cant help it..no other man has messed
with my mind and soul as he did,and i should kick myself
everyday for letting him..oh well life goes on...ive
been "kinda"going to my shrink faithfully..it
helps,sometimes i want to sooo break down,but i can't,it
feels like he will think that i'm losing it or something,i
shouldn't really hold back,but embarrassment has already
set in..sometimes i think about ending my life,i'll gaze
out of the window,and think of how many ways there are to
die,yet i certainly dont want my children to be the ones
that find my body..then when they are gone,i think,"this is
the PERFECT opprotunity"then the guilt again sets in,will i
ever stop struggling with my soul?will i ever find a peace
of mind? am i destined to feel like this for the rest of my
life?i don't like feeling this way,i hope the meds really
help..
Last sunday i went on this tube float..called the phat
far...hundreds of people show up with their group of
friends and tie either a bunch of tubes together,or
rafts,boats and float down a river..it takes about 4-5
hours to get to the one destination..people drink,shoot off
fireworks..get careened together and just have a good ole
time,well my dumb ass used tanning oil instead of sunblock
and got 1st degree sunburn,talk about hell to pay,i
blistered,4 days afterwards,then started to peel 2 days
ago,then my legs blistered yesterday and started to peel
today,then i just realized that the lower part of my arms
are starting to blister,fooking hell,what torture i went
through,i swear i will never make fun of another person if
thye get sunburned again,and BTW...how come no one ever
told me this shit itches like a son-of-a-biotch..i try not
itch and just rub it,but i cant help it,and the skin
underneath the old hurts like hell..ok..ok..enuff whining
bout that you say..
My baby turns 14 tomorrow,where did the time go?he;s going
to be a freshman starting the new school year..WOW...his
father sent him a letter for the first time in over 9
years and at first my son was like put on the
envolope"return to sender" i was like wow,but i couldnt
force him,it's his dad's fault for not being a father to
him,he has no idea as to what his son likes or what his
interests are...so he's going to have to keep trying to
prove he's not going to walk away again.got another letter
from him friday with a 60.00 check for our son's
birthday,which is way cool,so i did the noble thing(i
thought)and called the phone number that was printed on the
check and left a message for his dad to call
sometime,nothing yet so i'm hopin that he will call
tomorrow and wish our son happy birthday..only time will
tell..our hatred for one another shouldnt effect our child..
Went to the doc today that perscribes meds,she is ok..it
was only a 15 minute visit,asking me how things were,was i
to continue to see her,and to journal down my outbursts for
next time,i was thinking in my head,lady listen to me,hear
my cries,please dont let the session end so quickly when i
need to talk so bad...i'm so lonely,my soul aches,hurts,is
in dire need of something,i DO NOT want to drown,but i feel
myself slipping,i smile sheepishly on the outside,but on
the inside i'm crying,i'm confused,i feel like a child in a
department store that can't find anyone to help stop being
so lost,i'm scared...does this person think i'm stupid..it
is not really ok to seek someone to help my mind,my soul?am
i crazy for being embarrassed....i want help but i think
things are running through others mind,telling me to hurry
it up or be quiet,like there are other things in there
lives going on and that i'm dilusional...please someone
help me see...i'm NOT crazy..but i didnt say any of
that..when she asked if i had anyone questions,i finally
looked up at her,smiled and said no,it's ok....I guess i
save it for jarrod..explaining to him why i missed my last
week visit,i was NOT having a great two weeks..i was afraid
to leave my house,i was afraid to tell him the thoughts in
my head,embarrassed and afraid i would bore him to
death,ashamed he might think i'm weird for thinking the way
i do,so i guess by writing these things down,it will be
easier,we'll just see how it goes on wednesday..

With much Love,
Sadie


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