Autum's Leaves
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2005-06-26 03:33:50 (UTC)

What If?

Well as much as I hate to do it, I'm going to write when
I'm not the happiest person in the world.

I spent the day with some friends. The foreign exchange
students that were staying here are leaving and we all
wanted to throw a going away get together for them. It was
all really nice, but it was also really sad. I'm going to
miss them all, two especially, but hopefully we'll all be
able to keep in touch.

The guy....*sigh* I haven't heard from him in awhile,
which dosen't mean anything. I'm just letting it get to me
because everyone's said such bad things about the
relationship that I'm just looking for something to go
wrong...looking for something so I can justify what that
guy told me the other night. It's not like I want that to
be true...I just don't want to be stupid and get used
again. I don't think he'd do's just that when I'm
away from him, as I'm sure I already told you, I just feel
like...I'll never see him again...that I've done something
wrong and that this whole thing never happened, that he
dosen't want to see me again, he's found a girl closer to


It's the "what if?" syndrome. We can sit all day and
say, "what if" about every new endevour we encounter. We
can say "what if" and take some precautions, but that
shouldn't stop us from doing anything all together. If that
happens, the "what if's" start to control our lives. Soon,
we start "what iff-ing" driving...the food we eat...the
house we live in...the person we love. I've got to stop
letting this fear drive me. My insecurities are awful and I
see them, I'm just not sure how to deal with them. It helps
to write and to talk about it, reassure myself that I don't
need to worry, to calm down, everything's okay, and that I
shouldn't stress because that won't do any good. If good
things happen, they happen. If nothing works out, something
better will find it's way along in the end.

"Everything works out in the end. If something hasn't
worked out yet, it probably hasn't ended."

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