acuapulco1

La Vida Mia
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2005-06-24 05:55:00 (UTC)

June 24, 2005

I realized shortly after my stupid mistake just how stupid
it was. i decided i would write him some emails, you know
the "normal" stuff. he didnt respond, but he never really
ever wrote back when i sent him an email. so i called him
at work. i waited for a time i knew he wouldnt be in so i
could leave a message. i was too scared to talk to him.
it was so great to hear his voice. he didnt say much, just
his name, but everything id ever heard him say came rushing
back to me. its incredible. i left a message, apologizing
for the stupidness i said and hoped he would be happy to
hear from me. maybe he was, probably he wasnt. but i
really was happy to hear him.

i had tried calling earlier and couldnt get through to his
voicemail. immediately i thought he had finally left his
job, hes been alittle dis-satisfied with it, and moved
away. but i dont think he could leave his mom, he loves
her too much and she really needs him. i really need him.
i instantly made myself upset thinking i would never
see/hear him again. thank God one side of my brain is
always able to reason with the other.

so the next morning i woke amd went through the motions.
when i came home i checked my messages hoping he had
called, knowing he hadnt and the same for me email. the
following day i considered calling again, dialed the number
and hung up shortly after hearing his voice on the
message. that was enough, i dont want to come off as crazy
even though i think i am.

finally earlier last night i saw him online and basicly
accusted him. i just wanted to talk to him to kow
everything could be ok. he didnt know. he thought i had
given him an ultimatum. maybe i had, but i hadnt ment it
like that. i dont know, i just wanted clarity. i wanted
him to decide what he wanted from mr and to tell me but it
only served to push him away.

God, see what you can do for me. even to have him as just
a friend would be enough. and if not, make sure he is
happy, surround him with love and all things necessary.
the only thing left is time. time can save me,
right?


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