me

Ignorance is bliss
2005-06-24 03:17:36 (UTC)

....

rachels alltnater (sp?) belt went well not exactly the
alltenator belt that one is about to go but the two small
ones the ones that control the ac and the power steering i
love it when something happens to her car because she
always lets me get right into it we knew the altenator was
gonna go because todd told us it would but we just weren't
expecting it i was so happy because right when we pulled in
my drivway and she called todd and i got out and looked
under the hood and i found the belt right off its not
really something to be happy about but even when i get to
check the oil in a car it makes me excited anyways enough
of that bullshit i weighed myself today i'm 125 i wish i
was 115 that would make me happier and i wish my stomach
was a lot flatter i got my letter from corey today i was
excited i'm so glad rachel found him and i'm happy shes
happy is it wrong for someone to want to be taken care of
because i feel like i don't deserve it when i take a step
back and look at my life when did i not have to worry
about someone else its hard going through childhood trying
to succeed as an adult trying to be a caregiver i just wish
for once i could take a break and not have to worry that
nothing is going to get done or that i can't fix this
persons past or heal their pain i wish that i grew up in a
house with a father so that i would be comfortable around
men and a mother that didn't just cook and clean but at
least wake me for school and ask me how school was and if
my homework was done or if my grades are ok i hate the fact
that now i'm 18 i'm my own problem but when i think about
it when wasn't i my mom is so stuck on the fact that she
doesn't have to be responsible for me anymore i wish i had
a family that told me i had to stay in school and that when
i graduated they would do anything i could to help me go to
college whatever i don't care anymore i feel like i'm
12347654321678909876543270987654 years old and i'm tired i
can't change that past i tis what it is i am just not over
it yet i'm jealous of the people who got a childhood i have
more of the things i need and i have more of a home now
then i have ever had my whole life i just wish i wasn't the
one with all the stressors of maintaining it i wish i could
be a full time student and just learn my life away i wish
my whole entire family would go to counseling rachel and i
said we should have a reunion with the whole family and
just have booths of counselors because every person well
all but like 4 people in my family have been sexually
abused and/or physically abused and nobody likes to admit
it i think it all started with my grandfather farington i
have no clue what his name is because he's a fuckin fuck
who is dead but i honest to god believe he molested his
children every single one of them is miserable they hate
everything the overlook sexual abuse like its nothing i
mean so do i and rachel if someone tells me the have been
sexually abused i feel bad yes but for some reason i don't
it just seems normal to me it something i have always dealt
with its weird because i was molested by a girl but i
remember being little hanging out with this guy from the
church in maine and my mom said i went with him all of the
time but i only remember being around him once when he was
like working on a dishwasher or something and he wanted me
to sit on him and i remember being on him but nothing
happened i guess i dunno i don't remember but a few years
ago i saw his picture and i cried i don't know why but i
did i'm not saying he hurt me but i'm just trying to
understand why i am with men the way i am sexually i love
jon i love everything about him but sometimes sex with a
man makes me feel dirty sometimes it makes me want to just
cry jon said a long time ago when i was drunk we had sex
and right after we were done i jumped right in the shower
and i scrubed my whole body and my mouth i was blackedout
so i don't remember but i wish i knew what i was thinking
when i did that whatever i'm done rambling jon just called
and i started bawling when i talked to him i wish i would
just get over the whole not having a childhood and wishing
i could get taken care of even if it was only for a month
or 2 or 3 but i just think it would be great to live
somewhere and not have to pay 450 for rent and 120 for
phone and 120 for cable and know that its going to get paid
even if i had no phone and no cable i would be ok with just
shelter and all i want is one room i think i would sit in
there the whole time and just hibernate anyway i think i
want to go and get high because i haven't yet today and i'm
kinda manic i'm hoping to quit soon until i leave this town
then i don't even want to try because i think i would end
up back in the pych ward people in maine are in their own
little world it should be its own country the people here
are wow like laid back little goals and the goals they do
have are all about starting a family or getting a house or
being a mom or a lumberjack or some kind of outside job or
a mill and if you are a woman there is motherhood which a
lot of people around here choose the mental health
profession which half of the peopl around here in that
profession really have no clue only what the think or read
in books or a cna woo hoo oh and a teacher or a secratary
its like pleasantville only everyone here is fat and gross
i know i shouldn't say everyone bacuse thats an opinion and
mostly likely not factually correct but it sure does look
it i wish i were a designer or a yoga instuctor maybe a
personal trainer anyway afetr talking my ear off now at
least my eyes are tired jon will be home at 12 woo hoo i
miss him i have to study and i should meditate because
obviously my thoughts are a little rapid lol i'll be over
it tomorrow i wonder what my dignois is on my record
bipolar or borderline personality i should ask lois just
thinks i have severe ptsd lol she thinks i have abandonment
issues i kinda think ido a little because everytime jon
even has to go to the bathroom i get nervous and i don't
want hime to go even though he is just in the next room i
get really scared and panicy but then after he's in there i
realize i'm ok but its like i forget that i will be ok
evrytime and i panic i feel like something horrible will
happen i need to stop and just go get high so i can stop
thinking at the speed of light lola is trying to get out of
her tank lol she keeps looking at me right up close to the
glass thats her way ok saying mom come get me k really bye
now




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