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2005-06-23 16:49:55 (UTC)

6/23 -- hum....

Well -- I'm sitting here and I'm riding the fence again.

Things I want to do -- I want to explore things with you,
I want to hang out with you and spend a lot of time with
you. I want to kiss you and hug you and just have the
next level of comfort zone with you.....

but.... I'm not soo sure.
I know that in order to move on I'm gonna have to make the
first move - to hug you I will... I'm considerin kissing
ya, but guess that will just have to wait for the right

My biggest fear and frustration at the same time is....
that I will get attached to you and open up to you
completely and then you decide to work things out with her

I know there are a lot of things goin on right now that
you need to deal with and gettin involved in
a "relationship" of any kind at this time can make that so
much more difficult -- but yet I trudge on.

I'm not lookin for a future with you, and hell I'm not
even 100% sure how I feel bout you because of the walls
I've put up... but I think it was all said last night - or
early this morning... The trip to laughlin... that will
tell all.... if you go or if you don't. If you go and we
get that time to spend together then there should be no
doubts bout what and when I'm willing to do with you as
far as a relationship is concerned.... but the next
concern is that my kid will be gone - your kids may be at
their grandmas.... you need to find a way to be with me if
you want. Espically on my time off. If you do - that
will speak volumes. I know that if your truck starts
runnin hot or whatever that you need to work on it - but
you could work on it on Monday -when I have to work...
imo. Its just a matter of getting out to my house and if
Iwant to see you as bad as you want to see me then I'd
come and get you - you'd just have to ask... but Phil -
mark my words if you blow me off this week -- I'll be
done. Flip the switch. No more chances.
Thats kinda why I gave you the Top 3 list of things that
need to happen. If you pull thru then I know there might
be hope for you.
IF you don't.. then I'll know its time to move on.

Top 3 things to do -- come see me at lunch today....
You're goin to the security co - and gonna be close in my
area. I know you're gonna meet up w/ the kids and kids
mom to talk, but you could do that in the afternoon -
nothing stopin either of you - no jobs or schedules to
work around, where I am on a schedule somewhat

This is my way of thinkin - I don't think I'm being
selfish or asking too much -- just checkin to see where
your prorities may be ... you're not really job
hunting ... no motivation - no money .... and so far thats
not something that really bothes me.... but I know it

well there you go -- a few thoughts today.
If I see you today - I plan on hugging you and maybe
kissin you.... just to get it out of the way then we don't
have to keep talkin bout wanting to do it. I hope you can
kiss... lol - I know thats the least of my worries - but
it might actually clear up a few things.

So after talkin to you all night last night - now I'm
missing you and wonderin if your gonna make it, today,
tomorrow... when.