All_Erased

Reconstruction
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2005-06-21 21:45:46 (UTC)

Life's funny little tidbits

I've been looking at a lot of pictures lately, those
especially in yearbooks since school's just starting to see
its summer demise. But not only that, I've also skimmed
back to those old photo albums of mine, and my middle
school yearbook. I've realized that everyone looks so
awkward when they're so young. Only last year when I was a
ninth grader, I looked like a completely different person,
and now, I just cannot easily see any similarities. To be
honest, I'm embarrassed of that picture. I look so awful.

But everyone goes through that stage. A friend of mine,
whose pictures I've also studied, has changed so much, and
yet so little. Its funny that when we're young, our
features take upon certain forms. When we're older, we have
changed.

Here's a little advice for those entering their teen years,
or those young kids who are struggling to accept their
current image. Don't stress about it. You're still young
and trust me, time literally has its effects on your body,
face, and whatnot. Have patience with yourself. There are
kids that at the age of ten they start to alter themselves
with cosmetics, hair-dye, clothes, and hair removals. I
understand that people want to look nice, or express
themselves. And back when I was in middle school, I used to
think that people that did that to themselves were mature,
beautiful, and better than those that didn't. Now that I
reflect on that piece of my past, I realize that it was
silly. It's understandable to pluck your eyebrows, remove a
mustache, and shave. But the use of excessive make-up for
young kids is truly an amazing thing. Perhaps a waste of
time. That's just my view on it at the moment.

In high school, it seems more reasonable and fun. In fact,
high school is the time when I openly try cosmetics and
such.

And most recently, I've been wanting to try dying my hair.
Since I will be leaving my home, California, real soon, I
wanted to do one last thing. Dying my hair was the first
thing that came to mind. Of course, soon after this
suggestion, there came doubts as to whether or not I
should. Like, I'd tell myself that this body is not mine. I
was born into this body. And since I believe in God, I
believe that he gave me this body to take care and to not
take for granted. But then another thought tells me that if
God gave me this body, it must be to do whatever I want to
it. So therefore, He is giving me the freedom to use this
body. That may be so, but I will feel guilty to alter the
body God gave me. And that's when I extend my thoughts to
other forms of alterations, like tattoos, piercings, and
plastic surgery.

Its something I'm still debating with myself. But I guess
in the end, I might not go through with it.

Today, I thought about a couple of these aspects, and the
thought that maybe I am laughing at another's pain. Well,
I'm not literally laughing at someone's suffering, but what
if it is? There's a boy that I like, and most of the time I
think that he doesn't like me, and at times I think he
does. Whenever I hear that he doesn't notice me, I get sad.
And whenever I hear that he acts strangely around me, I get
very happy and energetic. But strange action, I mean, he
acts like he's having a hard time controlling himself; he
can't take his eyes away from me. Today this incident
happened and a friend noticed it. But what if, in a sense,
this is a suffering for him (the boy I like). Because I
know what it's like to like someone and struggle with
myself to not look at them so that it does not become
obvious. And whenever he does something of the like, I
rejoice, only thinking about the possibility of him liking
me. And today, realizing that, I think it's unfair and
selfish of me to find pleasure in his troubles.

But I should really talk to him. I haven't. Sometimes, like
I've mentioned above, I think he doesn't care. And yet
sometimes I think that he wants to get in touch and chat.
Because of this, my mood has been on this constant roller
coaster ride recently. If he doesn't care, then what's the
point of talking to him? There's no point in keep up faith
and hope. And then again, a part of me yearns to find him,
and to just reach out. It's strange.

But I don't want to accidentally make him "like" me because
I am leaving the state and it would be painful for him. And
me. It's unfair. I can be so selfish sometimes, thinking
about my own pleasures. I want to be careful so that he
doesn't get hurt in case he falls in.

I really want to talk to him though.

Pain doesn't come all too immediately. Right now, I feel
alright; I'm not worried about the move, about my friends,
except there's this underlying melancholy that reminds me
that the day is near. I don't know what I want. I want to
leave, and try out a new place. Its exciting, life in a new
place. But then, engaging in a new affair means abandoning
the old. My friends, family, my favorite places, that guy I
like, teachers, school...so much will be lost as there will
be a lot gained. For now, I'm lost in my own tantrums and
dilemmas of that boy. But soon, reality will come knocking
through my door.

I've been in California my whole life. It will be strange.

I think I can cope. Just not at first.

I'm still young and there are still so many things that I
don't understand, and that I must learn. I want to change
for the best, but does that mean abandoning the
imperfections I've come to accept and love? Who am I? Where
am I going in life? Life is so funny. I'm not as scared as
I used to be. I'm not as wonderous and curious as I was
before.

Just before I let go, I just want to share this. I wonder
if this diary will somehow ever be read by that one boy.
Well I never typed his name, so how will he know? Maybe he
might just know...

But I really wanted to tell him this, and I don't know if
I'll ever be able to. So just in case, and just for the
heck of it, I'll type it here:

No one in the world is perfect. But always try your best;
you'll always seem perfect in someone else's eyes.

And there's more, but that seems to be the juice of it all.


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