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2005-06-21 17:05:33 (UTC)

Court Date

Today my Dad had to appear in court. Of course there is
another continuous. So they set another date for July 6.
They did drop the restraining order so he could be at home.
He seems to be doing better. He's taking AA meetings and
he's cut back on the smoking. Hopefully once he's over the
alcohol he'll try and quit smoking. I hope next time he's
in court that they drop the case. I just hope he's learned
a lesson.

In other news... Father's Day was good. Atleast for my Dad.
My husband wasn't too happy. Money is kind of tight right
now so he didn't get to do much. Also he was upset because
he doesn't have a Dad to spend time with. I told him he
should try and find him. He asks me, have you seen the kind
of men my mom dates? What makes you think I would want to
have anything to do with that? So once again he's in a bad
mood all weekend and yesterday. I don't know what to tell
him. To me he has two choices, either find his dad and see
what happens, or forget about it and let if go. I wish he
would find him because I think his mom is not telling him
the whole story when it comes to his dad. Who knows, maybe
he's the one decent man his mom dated and he would be a
great father to him. It has to be better to find out vs.
always wondering who he is.

Now to me. I know always about me, but that's why I started
this diary to begin with. Once again I'm dealing with
doubt, fear, and depression. I've got this voice in my head
that keeps telling me that this is not going to work.
You'll end up alone. Your husband is just waiting for the
right opportunity and poof!, he'll be gone. Maybe it's the
right job, or the right women that will put up with him and
everything he wants. I don't know. I know if I tell my
counsler this she'll tell me to stop worrying so much. Let
it go because it wasn't him during that time it was the
depression, but I can't let go. What if's keeps running
through my head. Then I tell myself that it's not my fault.
I've done everything I can to keep my marriage together. If
he leaves it his own stupidity. No one will love him and do
for him like I will. He make think there's someone better
but the grass isn't always greener on the other side. And
it not like the world ends. I'll always have what I need
because believe me, I will make sure he pays if he gets the
bright idea to get rid of me again. I will not play victim.
He'll wish he never laid eyes on me when it's all said and
done. Now this is how I feel right now. In a couple of
hours I'll be back to feeling sorry for myself and crying
over him like my world is crumbling before my feet. I do
love him so much. I'm doing everything I can but I feel
like I'm the only one giving. I need him to tell me he
loves me. Show me by hugging, kissing, anything. Do you
know how much it hurts to tell someone that you love them
and kiss them and they don't even take there eyes off the
computer screen to tell you back? And if he does, he acts
and says I love you in a way that makes you think it's
torture for them to do it. Aaagh...I hate this! I hope
things are better by the time our son is born. I hope he's
gets out of this depression soon. Please Lord, please let
this be over soon.

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