Completely Incomplete

Letting Go Is All I've Held Onto
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2005-06-21 16:58:49 (UTC)

Made a couple dollar bills ... But still I feel the same.

I knew it. I took one of those Celexa pills. I told you it
would make no diffrence.
Life is still the same dismal wall of defeat. Like a rat
shoved into a maze trying to find it's goal or reward.
Life is still a sham.
It doesn't change anything. Not that I even expected it
to.
Maybe I don't want to change. Maybe I don't want to be
just another nieve fool.
I'm living in that same old plastic world. I'm a player on
the chess board ... a mere pon.
Maybe I don't want help. Maybe I don't want to be "happy".
With this comes an understanding of life ... I feel if I
go on medication ... that understanding will be taken
away.
What the hell could I possibly have to gain anymore? I
have ... a couple abnormalities to lose. Loss is sense of
reality.
Heartbreak tells you that you ARE alive. But why? Why the
hell AM I still alive? What is life anyways?
The way I figure. The rest of the world could be fake.
Maybe I'm the only one really alive. You never know.
I feel like a shadow ... just a walking spot of shade,
with no one to cast me. I'm not anyone's shadow .. just my
own. Cast by an invisible being, the once Amber being.
I sit alone ... with my understanding of what this is.
Medication. Ha, what fools.
Like I've stated many times over ... Medication doesn't
change life. It gets you on a TEMPORARY high.
Ha, a disapearing sedation, evanescance at work.
What did they think? A pill could pull me out of the rut
I've formed? Ha. A small high could sort out all my
problems and straighten this blanket of ruffles.
Sorry to burst your bubble doctors. But a pill can't do
that for me. It can't solve the mess I've created. Only I
can, and maybe I don't want to.
Maybe I don't want to be "cured". I don't want to fit in
to society's mold. I wont be another clone, deprived of
reality. Ha, no, not me. I've ... learned too much.
I seem to focus the most, understand the most about the
world, when I am left to my own thoughts.
Life is ... just an activity. So someone can watch us
light ourselved, or be ignited by others, and watch us
burn. Burn down like the rest of them. Into ashes of
nothingness. HA! I won't fit the mold. I'll be the missing
piece of the puzzle.


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