muse

void deck
2005-06-21 16:11:34 (UTC)

giving up on LOVE

i like jay chou's songs. it has the air of sadness and
desperation... two things that i indulge at times.
especially when i'm heart-broken. like today.

i'm listening to jie kou over and over again. his voice is
reverberating in my ears and my soul.

i met him online today. after 1.5 month. i miss him. yet, i
am overtly jealous over his frequent comments on selin's
blog. i am so heart-broken, so broken.

he greeted me first, something he seldom did. and i went
offline before he did.

i did not have the mood to talk to him. i am still
disappointed on him. he has always broken my heart, whether
he realises it or not.

i want to forget him. i don't enjoy this feeling anymore. i
don't like being the one to make fun of. i hate waiting for
something that will never come. if i found what i wrote
during the 2004 end of year holiday, i'm going to throw it
away.

i'm getting sick of this feeling.

it's not bringing me anywhere and it's doing me no good.

"Erick, I'm going to keep a distance from you from this time
onwards. I'm not going to indulge in my affection for you
anymore and I'm going to try really hard this time. I'm
serious. I'm tired. After a few months of stable life, I
want to cry again. And it's all because of you. I dreamt of
you every night. I dreamt of touching you, being close to
you. I feel so stupid for having this kind of feelings. You
know you have power over me, because I let you be. I'm going
to change.

I'm always denying myself of the fact that you likes selin
so much. I'm always hoping that it is me who is being
overtly suspicious. I always hope that you have always had a
feeling for me and one day, you'll tell me that.

I'm going to take reign of my emotion now. This thing I'm
having with you will not work no matter how hard I try and
I've reached my limits. I know I ain't pretty and I ain't
that smart. But I know I have self-esteem. I have been
throwing myself at you for too long. And I am so blinded by you.

In the first place, the you I have come to love is not the
current you. You have changed so much over the years. But
I've lost my senses. I was so desperate and hungry of love.
I was imagining too far. I thought that fate has brought us
back together and maybe God was trying to tell me something
by bringing you back into my life.

I was wrong.

I don't know why He did that. I think He's very merciless
with my heart. As if i don't get my heart broken that often.
Life has been unkind to me. And I know I might as well
forget the hope of finding a true love after all.

I will settle for practicality. I don't want a
sweep-off-your-feet kind of love no more. It ain't going to
happen.

You should have slapped me and brought me back to reality.
You should not have given me hope in the first place.
Because it hurts really badly now. The tears I am always
holding back are pouring down now.

Why did you not love me? Am I really that undesirable?

Whatever it is, I'm forgetting you. This time I'm going to
make it work."


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