Autum's Leaves
2005-06-18 03:33:19 (UTC)

Blues, and different Hues

Listening to Jack Johnson, throwing back a Del Mar,
trying to be mellow for the first time today...and I still
can't stop thinking about him.

We talked on the phone today, for about an hour and
then his aunt had to use the phone. Even though I'm
usually not so insecure, I find that I'm always stepping
on eggshells with this guy, because I'm not sure what's
going on. We talked a little...not exactly about what we
had said in our e-mails, but just about other stuff, and
I'm not sure what's going on exactly. I don't know if I
can really be myself all the time...which I know I can,
because that's the way it has to be. If he can't accept me
for everything that I am, than I don't need to be with him.

Maybe I just...maybe things need to slow down...we
really need to sit down and talk about all this stuff.
Which I'll bring up next time I see him, because I have
balls (in more ways than one because of my piercing, haha)
and I don't mind doing that.

I just have a lot of anxiety with this...and I don't
know what that means. That I really like him? Yeah...that
I'm worried things are going to blow up in my face?
Yeah...that none of this is real? Yes, that I turned down
other people to be with this guy in a monogomous
relationship? ...Yeah.

None of this is relavent, it's all just future guessing
and not being sure, and my insecurity, which I hate that
I'm insecure by the way, when the hell did that happen?
Sorry, run on. He told the chick about... "us"..? He told
her he can't just sleep with someone without feelings
there. *sigh* I'm just worried I don't know what I'm
doing...and I'm digging myself in a hole I'm not going to
be able to get out of again unscathed.

I wish I knew what I was doing.

...What I'd do to be held tonight.