Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
Ad 2:
2005-06-17 23:16:41 (UTC)

I'm Not Going To Worry About It, I've Done All That I Can...

It's funny how perspectives differ so much, how one person
can say that (not worrying, done everything) and the
person hearing it thinks, "What a fucking useless effort
you put in," and feels like shit and let down.

But then again, it's funny that a person would stay with
someone who constantly expression everything from mild
dissatisfaction to downright hostility to living that that
person, how much s/he hates living with that person, etc.
Then again, it's funny that the complainer would stay, too.

In actual fact, it's downright hilarious.

I want to write more but I can't because I'm too upset and
I am tired of realising what a mother fucking bitch of a
person I am. I'm tired of making my boyfriend feel like
shit and being such a mental wear on him. It must be
abuse, mental abuse, how I tell him so often I hate being
here with him. He's in love with me, he says. I think he
just fucking needs me. I think he was in love with me. I
was in love with him. But now I'm just a horrible abusive
woman who must be a bully b/c I'm not strong enough to do
anyting to better myself. But am infinitely strong enough
to belittle him and make him feel like shit.

Except it's impossible to tell if he can feel anything
negative, except for the rare times when he lashes out at
me.

I want to write more. I want to explain. But I can't. I
don't know how to get this all across right. I don't know
how to say how much pain I'm in. I don't know how to say
that I still love him but fuck do I ever hate him. I
don't know how to make my actions seem okay. I don't know
how he can think his are. I don't understand how a person
can be so blind, so self-centred, so egotistical and deny
it. I don't know how I can stay with someone like that.
What the fuck kind of sadistic bitch am I that gets off on
hurting people? All I had to do was turn the other cheek
but I take it as a prime opportunity to try and wear him
down further. But why can't he show me properly that he
gets it? Why can't he convince me the way I need to be
convinced that he's sincere in his words?

Because my head doesn't want to accept it.

But the problem is, I really don't think he's completely
sincere. I hate feeling like I'm being strung along.
After seven plus fucking years things shouldn't be like
this. Shouldn't he be committed enough to change little
things that would have a huge impact on how I feel in this
relationship? Of course, I'm a self-righteous two-tonne
bitch who makes zero effort to do anything for him.

But I don't think I really know what he thinks and feels
so I can't understand what to do.

And if I do know what he really thinks and feels then I'm
disgusted with both of us. With him, for not living up to
his potential and for letting me down so drastically, for
being one-dimensional and shallow and hiding all the good
stuff in him and for being content to live with a bitch
like me in this situation (I don't deny I have good points
but none lately, not many) and with me, for not having the
self-respect and strength to leave someone who is like
that. If I do know what he really thinks and feels, I
feel sick. If I do know what he really thinks and feels,
then there is no army in the world that could win this
battle for me.

I'm disgusting. I'm disgusted. I hate myself for what
I've become. I hate him for what he's become.

I've never felt so fucking let down. Well, it's close,
anyway.

Eventually I'll try and come back and write what happened
but by then I'll forget the details. He says he loves
me. That should be enough. That should stop me from my
constant infliction of mental abuse on him. It doesn't
because I'm a big bad mean bitch. But he's like the
Teflon man, it just slides right off. It makes me
meaner. It keeps sliding off. In a few minutes he'll be
being cutesy with me and asking me to go out or to go to
the grocery store or playing his fucking games and when he
sees me next it'll be like nothing happened. Depth of
emotion, in a man once so rich in emotional experiences,
would probably kill him right about now.

Of course, that's just the abusive fuck in me talking.

I'm disappointed in him. I'm sick with disappointment in
me, for all the above, and for being sucked into believing
again.

Please excuse me. I have some x-acto blades to find
before I really lose my mother fucking mind.

K2


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