angels heart

Through my eyes..
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2005-06-15 12:19:07 (UTC)

messed up

things in my life at times i feel are either messed up or
just more confused. Which can it be anymore. Ive tried at
times to get stronger and not do wrong things. But the
next thing i know ive go and done them. I have to be the
worst version of myself. I dont know what happened after
my first marriage was over. I mean it ended over seven yrs
ago, and since then ive seemed to feel a sense of freedome.
To be me and discover alot about me. Only to realize that
im not as good as i thought or maybe its just me thinking
that. I dont know which it is. I got married to young to
a man ten yrs older than me at the time. I didnt take my
time or give it a chance to get old enough to understand
that getting married was the wrong thing to do. I had all
intentions of going to college and getting a degree. But
instead i got married and had three kids. Now here I am
two marriages gone and over 12 yrs later im single, still
talking to an old bf that broke itself up over six months
ago due to me talkin to another man. At which i still talk
to that man as well dispite the mean and harsh things he's
said to me. Maybe im a gluten for punishment after all the
abuse my first ex did to me. I allowed msyelf to talk to
this man over again after all the mean things he said to
me. God didnt i learn anything from eight yrs of abuse
from my first ex??? And a man i dated and lived with for
three yrs i let him go? I know there is something wrong
with me. I should just stop this talkin to his man right
here and now. damn and he even gave me a stupid cell phone
for me to use over the summer. but the thing is i dont take
it with me. I have let my oldest daughter use it at home.
I have no intentions of using it. I have my own cell that
he doesnt know about. I cant wait for school to start so
it gives me a reason to just be more busy even though i
love being busy with my kids that itself allows me to go
off with them and not have someone bugging me about seeing
me every five seconds in the day. I know in my heart i
love my old bf and we talk all the time even though he's
over the road for work. He is missing some things this
other man has..but what this other man has said to me in
the past is inexcusable. and me of all people should know
this. I need to be slapped on the side of my head. I know
that i need to back off of this once i take my oldest home
for the end of the summer and i entend on it. Cause once i
get back my first classes start the following weekend. Oh
god give me strenght if you have any more to give..cause im
needing it more each day.