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2005-06-13 04:34:17 (UTC)

What I've Been Through

I didn't write this but for any of you who want to know what
I have gone through and am going through in my life here it is!

Some people find heroin boring and cocaine fake. However in
meeting with those substances caution is advised, as one
should not underestimate their addictive potential. The use
of both substances at the same time poses even a bigger
problem. With a rather small bag of heroin and cocaine one
can transform his mood at will, for a few hours at least.
What starts as a test drive can easily become an addiction
if hits psychologically fertile ground. Before one realizes,
snorting cocaine and heroin becomes a repeated thing. How
otherwise, when just a nice fat line of good cocaine can
elevate mood. As soon as plateau is achieved one starts on
heroin and makes into a blissful, removed High. Your body
feels electric as waves of cocaine rushes overlay with the
numbing softness of the opiate. Problems, inhibitions, all
bad feelings seem a past history as now thanks to some C&H
you have been magically transformed to a more blessed plane
of existence. In fact you are chemically pushing the
pleasure buttons in your brain so this feels For Real.
Navigation is easy. You want more lucidity and energy ..
just do a line of cocaine .. More relaxed dreamy state ? No
problem .. a small line of H will level you off perfectly.
Your existential pain is Nullified. The Problems of Life
seem small to your unlimited good-feel powers. You feel Fun.
Coming Down ??? Just Do Some More.

What was an excursion into some plant byproducts becomes a
small obsession. For a fistful of 10 dollar bills you Can
Feel like a King of small Country. Of course its fake, But
the pleasure centers of your brain are buzzed up for Real.
This is the grand trap of The Speedball. Once you learn to
derive pleasure from it, develop the need for that Instant,
almost sexual in kind gratification, the tiny white hands of
those powders grab you. However this might seem like no
cause for alarm. You might say to yourself, that you're
bigger than this little pile on the mirror. But as many
cases around have shown, people greatly underestimate their
potential for addicting to masturbatory, chemical self
gratification. Then the harsh reality creeps in, as
tolerance to mix builds and regular doses don't suffice to
acheive the nirvana. You're a pendulum of moods as you await
the weekend to do your "thing"- rock a bit , feel good with
no effort. That is the last warning to get out of the
roller-coaster to hell. The ride is tremendous, But the
price of admission is Very High.

Upgrading to every 3rd, 2nd or daily use you pay first
installments on the ticket. Its your good feelings. As the
psychological need for the Chemical nirvana grows - so does
your dose and tolerance. This quickly leads to withdrawal
symptoms. As your mind spends more time nulled out, you are
growing uneasy with being sober. Coping skills go out of the
window. Without The Superhuman Power of the speed-ball
you.re just a measly depressed, withdrawing wreck of a
human. It feels like you have lost the ability to maintain a
decent level of pleasure inducing brain juices without
chemical help. You are No longer Indulging in the speedball,
you're Living it. It becomes your vitamin, food. You do lots
of cocaine to get out of bed, more heroine to go to sleep,
and mix to your own pleasure during the day. Any thought of
stopping is buried, as lack of those now Essential nutrients
causes you to be in literal physical and emotional pain that
is torturous. As the habit progresses your performance and
finances take a dive. After all, now you need $60 a day to
feel good, and a $100 worth to party. Soon it grows into
ridiculous sums. but by then it's already too late. The trap
locks. You are a prisoner now, and getting and absorbing the
mix is your utmost priority, next to breathing and actually
higher than eating, or for that matter anything else. The
pain of withdrawal becomes so intense, you are fully capable
of committing acts that you would never really consider in a
sober state.

Stealing, "Borrowing" money, prostituting, dealing drugs are
all possible realities. Whatever your desperate mind will
think of to ease the pain. Oh .. well there is always the
syringe. Direct IV input is a way stronger rush and much
more economical way of utilizing your stash. Before you know
it .. your apartment is filled with piles of unwashed
clothing, garbage and dishes as you.re not able to deal with
even simple chores. You have your "pals" sleeping in corners
and shooting up. You alternate between 3 main activities 1)
Buying the Stuff 2) Getting a Fix 3) Sleeping it off. But it
really does not matter anymore. Even walking the streets on
an empty stomach, in search of the next bag with your last
food money, you will feel "cool" as long as the chemicals
are in your bloodstream. Perhaps one day you have a godly
moment of lucidity on the way to the bottom, and Decide to
stop. It's tough, Its very hard, withdrawals are terrible.
But its safe to say that feeling ill and a depressed for
some time is much better than continuing on the path. A path
that has lead many to various hells known as homelessness,
street prostitution and many other well depicted scenarios.
Death from overdose is clearly an option as quality and
purity of such drugs is always questionable and by than you
have no control over dosing.

Hopefully you are one of those that find coke fake and
Heroin boring, or are able to control it. But if you ever
decide to cross those white lines, remember that the
potential trap is always there, just waiting to expose your
weaknesses. Sounds like nasty, full of lies, drug propaganda
? Think again *Sniff* *Snort* perhaps it comes from people
who had tested effects of long term opiate/coca indulgence
themselves and seen the damage in people around them. It
would be a lie to mask the fact that a Speedball makes you
feel godly, and elevates your mood to heavenly levels, but
by the same token it should be told that there is much
potential for abuse leading to hell of addiction. So please
be warned.