Autum's Leaves
2005-06-11 00:20:32 (UTC)


My friend came home today from New York. He didn't seem
that different, except he was taller, about 6'5" and
smaller, a woman's double 0, and toting a pack of pictures
from when he modeled for Ducle'. I flipped through the
pictures, them in a play, them fooling around, hanging
out, taking dance classes...they were all so beautiful.
All so utterly different than anything I had to do with.
Everyone was skinny, everyone was beautiful, even when
they tried not to be.

I saw the Boarder again. The same thing happened, we
were together, he fawned over me, he insulted me,
everything as it should be; so astoundingly un-perfect.

Then it was college orientation, at which I flirted my
heart out with one of my friends. Things were going great,
we'd talked the whole day, sat together, done all the
touchy-feely stuff, only to turn me down at the end of the
night. I haven't heard back from him yet.

I met someone. I went to his house on Thursday. I
wasn't quite sure to begin with, but we started talking,
and he loosened up, and finally I loosened up. I dropped
my shields and he just rushed in. We talked for two hours
and then cuddled for another two. Cuddled, just held each
other, rubbed one another, just relaxed. We kissed. And
maybe that wasn't such a big deal to me at one time in my
life, but maybe now, it means more. It was a three and a
half hour drive there, and the return trip was in a storm.
He called when I got home and we talked for another two
hours. It was twelve by the time I got to bed, and at that
time all I could think about was going to work that
morning. The next morning, all I could think about was
getting to be with him again.

I'm so scared. He's going into the military, and I
don't want to jump to any conclusions, but even when I was
laying there with him I thought, I really like this guy.
Maybe I'm just protecting myself from falling in love,
because I just want to protect myself from the heartbreak
in the end...

I IMed him, because he hadn't called me today, and I
thought I'd just say hello. He left, and didn't say
anything. Maybe all this is for nothing. The anxiety, me
not being able to stop thinking about him, all of it.

I thought that all I wanted was sex. Keeping things
simple is easier. No one's feelings get hurt that way, no
one gets hurt period, its just sex, just fooling around.
All day today I had to ask myself if I was ready for that
commitment, if I really wanted to be "taken" again.

I still don't know, but I do know...I kinda miss him