Completely Incomplete

Letting Go Is All I've Held Onto
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Ezoic
2005-06-01 20:03:07 (UTC)

Not believen in ...

Last night I went over the lines one last time .. as I
have mentioned. That is the last time a blade will ever
touch those lines again. Ever. And it might even be the
last time .. any blade touches a part of me.
But ... its as though Nik doesnt believe it. As if he just
doesnt believe in me.
He thinks Im going to cut again ... and he doesnt believe
that that was the last. I ... thought he had faith in me.
Im supported by others who shouldnt have to support me.
He doesnt believe me when I say Im okay ... I ... dont
know what to think anymore. Why doesnt he believe me? This
is no joke, Im honestly serious. WHen I say Im okay ... it
means Im okay.
It just feels ... like he doesnt trust in me. Like he
doesnt believe I can do it. Like he doesnt believe ... me.
Almost as if ... he doesnt want to believe it.
Im getting support from everyone else. I know Kade will
believe in me .. and try to help me fight it. Ravon is
supporting me. Kevin is trying his best to help me in any
way he can. Which is helping .. alot.
If others dont believe in me ... then why should I believe
in me?
Maybe I was a fool to think this was right. To think he
might be the one. I ... dont know anymore.
I dont even think he feels that way anymore. How am I
suposed to know? Its not like he ever says anything to let
me know. Maybe Im being harsh .. but Im desprate for an
answer. Desprate.
It doesnt even look like we'll be seeing each other for a
whole other year. His parents dont even know I exist. I
dont think anyone does.
Im just ... not sure anymore. I mean ... Kade ... Kevin ..
they are there for me ... I just dont know anymore.
It just didnt sound that he even believed in me. Didnt
believe I could do it -.-
Maybe Im over reacting ... but ... I want to be sure. I
want to know if Im making a big mistake ... or if Im
correct ...
It doesnt seem as though he even has feelings for me
anymore. And Im starting to have second ... thoughts.
I dont know ...
The grass may be greener on the other side, but I seem
just fine with the grass thats on this side. It may not be
as green as the other grass, but this grass is good enough
to do. Ill take what I can get and not long for the other
grass. It may mock me, But Im strong, and I can avoid the
temptation that grass so willingly puts up. I will not
cut. I will not long for the blade. I will not.
And he doesnt believe me. *sigh*
Maybe I was a fool .. to think he could make everything
okay. Maybe ... just maybe.


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