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2005-06-01 14:57:31 (UTC)

Thinking About...

Lately I been thinking about my baby. My little baby boy.
I'm scared of what the future holds. I want that perfect
family life. The kind where you don't worry about your
marriage failing or something bad happen to your kids. I'll
never be that way though. If there's a positive, I'll find
a negative. We're going to get his room ready this month.
There is still alot to do. We've got to get carpet, paint,
have a baby shower, take a tour of the hospital, and pack
me a bag for my stay. The last two will probably wait until
the last month. I'm starting to get tired alot. He's moving
around alot more now and making me uncomfortable. I keep
thinking it's going to get worse before better. This
weekend my husband and I are going to register for the baby
shower. Looking forward to that. I love looking at baby
stuff. We really don't need any big stuff because we kept
most of what we had the last time. I just hope my husband
is telling me the truth about how he feels about me and
about us being a family and wanting this baby. If anyone
could have seen his reaction when he found out I was was like a shot him right in the chest. I was
so hurt. I cried and beg God to end this because my husband
didn't want me or our child. Now he says he don't regret
getting me pregnant or the baby. I just don't know how he
could say that. I believe if I had lost it the first
trimester that he would have cared less. If I had I would
have probably blamed him for it and we'd be going through a
divorce right now. Last night I was a little upset. He
could tell I was crying and he asked what's wrong. I told
him I'm worried. He said about what. I said everything. I'm
worried about us being ready for another child. What kind
of strain it will put us through. If we'll be financially
ok. He tell me not to worry about things like that. That
it's going to work out. I didn't tell him that I worry
about him changing his mind on the marriage or him getting
back on the game and being the way he was before. I still
don't understand why he quit the game. I know he says
because he was addicted to it and that it was causing a
strain between us, but I feel there is more to it. What if
it's because things happened on there with people that he's
afraid I will find out or maybe something was going on
again and he stop it to stop himself. I don't know. All I
know is that I'm constantly wondering what he's doing when
he's at work, on the computer, or at home by himself. I
find myself sneaking around on his computer to see where
he's been on the internet or asking him stupid question to
see how he answers. Oh well, what to do. Try and stop doing
this...that's what I tell myself, but will I? I don't know.
I'm not as bad as I use to be but I have a feeling I might
never stop this.

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