Eyes4Guys

Personal hell & back again
2005-06-01 00:29:38 (UTC)

Baby anxiety

I'm just like every expectant mother, I worry about
finances, I worry about health (especially since I just
can't get use to a daily routine of taking my prenatal
vitamins), and I worry about whether or not I will be a
good mother. I'm not working right now, which eased the
stress through my first 3 months of pregnancy. That was
what I was worried about at first. I had an abortion when
I was 19 and then I had to have laser surgery on my cervix
when I was 20 to fix my moderate dysplacia. Since then
I've jumped my major hurdle (will I be able to concieve
again?) to not have to worry about the chance of a
miscarriage.

I was preparing for a baby before I concieved, about a
year before hand. Ever since I had my abortion, I've
wanted to have a baby. Before I my abortion, I despised
the idea of having one. I've gotten the diapers, the baby
formula, the food, the clothes, the toys, but in small
quantities along the way. When our finances stabilize
(once we get into the hang of the apartment and how much
money will be expected on the bills) then we can start
again by getting more things. Of course, a major portion
will come from my baby shower, which is still unscheduled
although I have two women who want to share the
responsibilites of holding it (with my help, of course,
which they don't know about).

I had been reading books and magazines and now that I am
almost half-way through the pregnancy, I worry a little. I
have been reading my book, What To Expect When You Are
Expecting, and it eases some tension. But I just can't
remember to take my pills, which I know will be a major
assett to the health of my child. But even when I
remember, I quickly forget, thanks to my bad memory and
short memory span.

Now I am getting more energy again, thank god. I could go
and work again, but it would be pointless just to be at a
job for 6 months, don't you think? Besides, it could cause
more unneeded stress, which was what I was trying to avoid
when I quit my last one. I also don't want to go back
right after having the baby and having to put it into
daycare. My mother wants to take care of it, but I can't
let her take that type of responsibility.

I really need to call Peggy, and I keep forgetting. I have
heard that this memory problem is an issue during
pregnancy but eventually goes away. Tom keeps reminding me
and I keep forgetting. She could help me get this idea
started of working at home. I mean, hell it could at least
help pay a bill in the apartment. Even if I only get an
extra $200 a week or two. I just like the idea of being at
home in case something bad or important happens either
during the pregnancy or after.

But I'm not use to being a housewife. I can't cook, which
I really should start doing, and I'm kinda lazy. I'm not a
complete slob but I'm close to it. That has to stop soon
because people will want to come over to see my swelling
stomach or to see the baby. And it can't be good for the
baby to live in a dirty house. If I'm not working, I
should be doing something around the house. But of course,
no one ever wants to do housework. They would love to sit
around most days and lounge. Sit by the pool, watch tv or
movies, have friends over, cruise through the town or surf
the web. But eventually you get bored and clutter adds up.
So I need to get my ass in gear, but it's so much easier
when I have someone hear to motivate me (just like
exercise) until I can get into the habit.

My next visit is June 9th, my 22nd birthday, and I will be
able to hear the heart beat. I should be 13 weeks by then,
almost 14. And hopefully in July they can tell me what
I'll be having. I hope I don't have twins. It is expected
that either Tom or his 18 year old brother will be the
next to have them. Just like everyone else, I'd like to
have one at a time. But I would prefere a girl. I was
leaning on Leilani Piale, but lately fell in love with
Niama Kaylen. I love exotic names, it gives the person
such character. Tom doesn't care either way what it is but
if it is a boy, he wants to either name is Gabriel Micheal
(angel of death and life, life after death) or Gabriel
Thomas. I like the first one better, although I am not a
religious person at all.

I guess once I get this whole housewife thing down pat,
then I can work on this feeling of being frumpy and
unsexy. I am a beautiful person, but with all the changes
with my pregnancy (morning sickness being a major one, the
weight gain and the fatigue), it's just been hard to
really find myself sexy. I am 5'9, long auburn hair
(colored, which needs another treatment), blue green eyes,
clear fair complexion. I was skinny. I was wearing a size
5, weighing 135lbs. But now, I think I'm about a size 7,
although most of those jeans don't even fit. So I stick to
skirts since they stretch. I probably put on 10 lbs
already. My complexion was great, but now that the
pregnancy acne has stopped, for now, I'm noticing some
scarring. It's minimal but goodness. Though I went from a
36C to almost a 36D. But most of my clothes doesn't fit so
I tend to stick to one style of clothes. Pregnant women
know these shirts. The ones with the tight, stretchy
material over the bust and loose around the stomach. What
people would consider peasant shirts or summer shirts for
the beach. I call them pregnancy shirts because they hide
the initial bulge of the swelling stomach. But when you
are almost 4 months, based on what my book is telling me,
then you will show. It says that the 4th month is 14-17
weeks, and that the second trimester starts then.

I try to find other women who are pregnant, but most of
the diaries are old and weren't kept up. So it's hard to
hear if anyone else is feeling the same way or just going
through anything that could help me feel better about
having this baby. But I'm not alone, I have a lot of
support. So, here's to my worries ::swift kick in the ass
and shut the door::




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