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2005-05-29 20:53:49 (UTC)

Bill Maher's Valentine to us

From kreisler on 2/14/2004 6:22:29 PM

For a funny yet biting look at the marriage issue here's
Bill's column in today's Globe. Bill kicks ass! Happy VD

Valentine's Day, that great state holiday
By Bill Maher, 2/14/2004

NEW RULE: You can't claim you're the party of smaller
government, and then clamor to make laws about love. If
there's one area I don't want the US government to add to
its list of screw-ups, it's love.

On the occasion of this Valentine's Day, let's stop and ask
ourselves: What business is it of the state how consenting
adults choose to pair off, share expenses, and eventually
stop having sex with each other?

And why does the Bush administration want a constitutional
amendment about weddings? Hey, birthdays are important,
too -- why not include them in the great document? Let's
make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight
people get more cake -- you know, to send the right message
to kids.

Republicans are always saying we should privatize things,
like schools, prison, Social Security -- OK, so how about
we privatize privacy? If the government forbids gay men
from tying the knot, what's their alternative? They can't
all marry Liza Minnelli.

Republicans used to be the party that opposed social
engineering, but now they push programs to outlaw marriage
for some people, and encourage it for others. If you're
straight, there's a billion-five in the budget to encourage
and promote marriage -- including seed money to pay an old
Jewish woman to call up people at random and say "So why
aren't you married, Mr. Big Shot?"

But when it comes to homosexuals, Republicans sing "I Love
You Just the Way You Oughta Be." They oppose gay marriage
because it threatens or mocks -- or does something -- to
the "sanctity of marriage," as if anything you can do drunk
out of your mind in front of an Elvis impersonator in Las
Vegas could be considered sacred. Half the people who
pledge eternal love are doing it because one of them is
either knocked-up, rich or desperate, but in George Bush's
mind, marriage is only a beautiful lifetime bond of love
and sharing -- kind of like what his Dad has with the

But at least the right wing aren't hypocrites on this
issue -- they really believe that homosexuality, because it
says so in the Bible, is an "abomination" and
a "dysfunction" that's "curable": they believe that if a
gay man just devotes his life to Jesus, he'll stop being
gay -- because the theory worked out so well with the
Catholic priests.

But the greater shame in this story goes to the Democrats,
because they don't believe homosexuality is
an "abomination," and therefore their refusal to endorse
gay marriage is a hypocrisy. The right are true believers,
but the Democrats are merely pretending that they believe
gays are not entitled to the same state-sanctioned misery
as the rest of us. The Democrats' position doesn't come
from the Bible, it's ripped right from the latest poll,
which says that most Americans are against gay marriage.

Well, you know what: Sometimes "most Americans" are wrong.
Where's the Democrat who will stand up and go beyond the
half measures of "civil union" and "hate the sin, love the
sinner," and say loud and clear: `There IS no sin, and
homosexuality is NOT an abomination' -- although that Boy
George musical Rosie O'Donnell put on comes close. The only
thing abominable about being gay is the amount of time you
have to put in at the gym.

But that aside, the law in this country should reflect that
some people are just born 100 percent outrageously,
fabulously, undeniably Fire Island gay, and that they don't
need re-programming. They need a man with a slow hand.

Happy Valentine's Day everybody!

Bill Maher is host of "Real Time with Bill Maher."

© Copyright 2004 Globe Newspaper Company.

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