Letting Go Is All I've Held Onto
To: Amber.. From: Kade.
Amber.. You may be holding me back.. but it's for my own
good. I'm sorry for pleading, for begging, for yelling..
for anything I may have done to upset you.. I know I've
hurt you. And it won't happen again. I can promise you
that. This is your steel promise, the one you asked for.
No more glass. You are the only person I have ever really
loved. And to see you hurt.. to see you cry.. tears me
apart! Fuck . I've been bothering you.. and nagging.. I
feel like shit for putting pressure on you to make a
decision like that. No one should have to choose whether
to have their friend cutting, and happy, or not cutting..
and miserable. You won't loose me. Not ever again. I was
so.. excited when you finally said.. "go ahead" that I
automaticly reached for the hammer on my desk to open that
drawer. I was so ready, I was trembling with anxiety..
"if you really want to, then you can. But when you do ...
it means one thing. Let me go over the lines again ...
only once ... over each line ..."
I would give up the little sanity I have left to know you
wouldn't put yourself through that again. I was so ready
to hurt you.. I wasn't thinking. And those couple of
sentences made me stop dead. I know you want it, trust me
I know.. and the type of irresponsible person I am, I will
let you. (Good luck getting past Kevin.) BUT you must
promise me one thing.. you will not get addicted. It is
not worth it. I feel so.. greedy.. so.. selfish knowing I
am willing to hurt you to have what I want. And to put you
in harms way.. isn't right. Amber, you are so.. special to
me, I don't know what I would do without you. And just
talking to myself as I type this, I've convinced myself
to.. not cut.. for a while yet.. well.. I can try not to.
But it will be hard . After three years of not feeling
pain it was quite a shock to feel something when you said
you had hurt yourself.. And, if you are feeling that..
pain, twice as badly, because of me.. it's just not worth
it. Yes, I want to cut, more than anything in the entire
world. But.. it is given up. Ta da.
Blood, Lust, and Eternal Darkness,