I got out of a speeding ticket.
late to work i hug the left hand lane of the highway at
about 80 some miles an hour. quite quickly thereafter blue
lights illuminated my determined reflection in the rear-view
mirror; and as i sadly sidled up against the shoulder i
thought to myself, 'well i would have made it".
as the cop sauntered up to my car and i fidgeted around for
the few frantic minutes in which you try to put on the guise
of an upstanding citizen, i happened to notice my passport.
"i wonder what would happen if..."
"license and registration."
my passport transplanted itself into his hands along with
the registration documents.
the cop seemed visibly agitated at the form of documentation
and hunkered down with frazzled frown, scanning my passport
for all signs of a terror suspect.
after about 5 minutes he said to me,
"where you headed?"
i gave him my best blank "i'm a foreigner and have no
fucking idea what you just said look" and then after about a
minute said (in my best fake austrian accent).
"dis iz my vaters car. i's on vacation, i am going to my
he stared at me like he wished for a reason to kill me and
"ok, so this is.......your dad's car?"
"yesssssss" i knew that his name was still on the vehicle
registration because i had been too lazy to change it.
"well i will just check on the ownership of this vehicle."
i started sweatin nuts. there i was on the side of the
highway going over just how much i might have possibly
broken the law. well, i hadn't lied to him yet, except for
the vacation part..........i mean i had given him id that
wasn't fake. oh man, how pathetic is this? i'm a 23 year
old man about to start work on some cps-7 new york public
offering statements and yet here i am sweatin' in my cars
knowing that once again my father would have to be part of a
conversation that started with,
"hello sir, this is the police, we have nick here......."
so there i was watching the cop talk on the phone with what
was presumably my dad.
after about 10 minutes he walked back to my car with a sick
grin plastered on his face. i knew i was fucked. i was
shaking as he gave me my passport and license back,
"alright now, don't drive so fast and be careful...i'm
letting you off with a warning this time."
"ooooo-k. thanks youse."
i started the car adn went back on the road. i have no idea
what my dad had said but it was uncanny. he had, without
batting an eyelash, engulfed himself in the twisted tail of
deception i had spun for the cop and probably even added
some funny as shit to it.
well that was how my day of fun started. you see on friday
before memorial day, shit just doesn't get done. me and the
other paralegals were the only people left in the firm.
around 1 and because it was josh's birthday, we decided to
get 40s. all we really had to do was answer the phone,
which turned out to be a blast.
we sat on the porch (yes my office has a porch) drinking 40s
and answering the phone through one of those headsets. near
the end, for some inexplicable reason, we asked everybody if
they were going to chill over the weekend. we always got
the funniest remarks to this.
"chillin? why yes, i believe i will be going to a party,
and i do plan on getting sloshed."
i'm missin ray-ray. (that's my shout-out).