blkdragon

grounded
2005-05-28 20:39:09 (UTC)

Early Saturday morning

Fell asleep watching Aeon Flux, I woke to notice someone
online, couldn’t see who and nodded back out. When I awoke
to go to bed, I noticed it was Kim, she called me Sweetie
so I guessed she hadn’t read her mail. I woke an hour after
she tried to reach me, she penned mail to me and I read it
this morning. She explained the legal ramifications
inherent to her situation, explained the need to take the
route she’s on, I understood; (above all) she gave me her
blessings to move on. I love enough to want those that I
love to be happy, even if not with me, she has shown that
level of love and I couldn’t leave her to her dilemma. The
fact that she endures this existence with the hope of being
with me is dizzying, don’t know that I’d be able to do this
were I in her shoes. I’ve met and known (in the biblical
sense)quite a few women, since meeting her and it all leads
back to her. I find that this relationship we’ve nurtured,
began in our minds, a hope and an idea for happiness, found
it’s way to our hearts; having faith that our desires were
compatible. We continued to test/challenge each others
fortitude/intelligence/mores and attitudes. I thought I
understood her culture and I did to a degree, just not
enough to give her cause to wait for happiness to arrive.
We were having our problems with understanding one another,
she put all that aside and asked for my heart, I denied
her. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees, I wanted the
bird in the bush because the one in my hand was willful,
that was as it should have been, a weak woman would be far
too easy for me. Kim knew me to be a man of my word. Nadean
sparked a very similar chord in me and she was much
closer, being a product of this society, Nadean proved to
be far less than she wanted me to believe. It didn’t matter
that Nadean made a shit load of money, she was still
without substance, just smoke and mirrors, there were far
too many things that mattered that she lacked. Nadean was a
child and I don’t play, I laugh and I joke, but in certain
matters; I’m as serious as Ebola. Kim, although much
younger than any woman I’ve ever related to, is wiser than
most of the women I’ve known, she seems to have the ability
to see to the heart of a matter and break it down to it’s
simplest components,, the thought of her leaves me
awestruck. I want her to call me today, want to hear the
joy in her voice, the peace in her laugh when she’s with
me!
Did laundry, ate, finally soaked in the tub. Came online to
check my mail, didn’t expect to see Kim, it being too early
in the morning for her and found her looking for me. She’d
apparently read my recent mail, she couldn’t sleep because
she was missing me, you have to know how that makes me
feel; it’s a two-edged sword. I’m happy she feels an
emotional bond with me and saddened that I can’t make
everything better, right now. Patience is a muhfukka,
don’t want to be patient, don’t have any choice. She’s been
researching her options for leaving the “man” that married
her, it’s true, I only have her side of this ongoing saga;
don’t want to hear his side. If Kim were to lie to me, I’d
know it, she has no reason to do so; her retelling of the
various episodes that’ve occurred during her marriage belie
the fact that they could possibly be contrived. I know that
her Parents married her off to this man for the status it
would give them, he makes $56k and it helps them not in the
least, they’ve been clothing her and sending her money.
They continue to express their sorrow to her, they
apologize for not taking the time to get to know this “man”
better. It was ultimately Kim’s Mother’s decision and she
regrets it dearly, it’s understandable for her to want her
daughter to live a better life in a better land, it was a
roll of the dice and it came up “craps” for all but him.
I’ve seen her Mother, since, she’s glad I’m still in her
Daughter’s life and hopes to see light at the end of the
tunnel.
Everything in it’s own time.
Joshua just mentioned to me that he’ll be staying at
Tsehaya’s in Manhattan this summer, he’s told me that she
and I would’ve been his perfect match. I knew and felt that
she may have wanted a bit more of my time, I saw it as a
conflict of interest. I have enjoyed the times we’ve talked
though, she’s a buoyant soul and a divine person. Joshua
told me that he’s spied his Brother in the Hood, talking to
the guy I’ve been coming to despise, a fat muhfukka that’s
slinging. All he needs to do is let me catch him near my
son, whether it was at Charles’ insistence or not, it will
be on and poppin. Ryde or Die, he won’t even see it comin
and I will make an example of him for all to see.
Kim’s told me that she’ll be coming to the Big Apple, 6
months from now, she believed we’d get to see one another.
I told her that I wouldn’t be able to look this “man” in
the face without wanting to hurt him, she understands, her
desire won’t overrule her sensibilities.




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