CHRISSY

Technically Speaking...
2005-05-26 23:30:11 (UTC)

About depression and others related...

Ok so I feel like crap right now. I went to a concert last
night without much planning with some p.mx. Anyways, this
ghost town is so boring, that I even kind of enjoyed this
one, I mean, the change of crowd, 50% sexually
alternative, the smog, smoke, noise, actually that felt
good, I missed it. So...for a change, I have a huge
depression, or panic attack, or I don't even wanna bother
labeling it, but it feels like an elephant stepping on my
chest. I can barely breath. Is so painful, I feel I've
been despised too many times that I don't bother trusting
anybody else, but c'mon, again??? How much can I take??? I
really feel like I'm so ready to leave this world, my soul
is very old cause of the pain it has endured, it feels
like it's an elder little being taking little steps w/ a
cane. Oh my, it really, really, hurts, I don't want to go
to bed, I don't want to do anything but...And why all this
depressive talk? What's the reason? Well, uncertainty of
my future, my life, my peace of mind, Like that crappy
disgusting dr. told me, life is supposed to be hard...On
the bright side, I got my health, can you imagine my
feelings added to an illness? it would be devastating,
knock on wood. Yeah, when u are young, you don't think
about it...but I've seen it too many times. Ok, so I gotta
wait for my papers, my panic attack to fade, my face to
brighten a little. God, honestly I'm so scared, so scared
that it makes me wanna run away, but for a change, where
to??? Money doesn't make u happy, is about love, respect,
and most of all being treated like a human being, yeah
money is allright to cover your needs/desires and a margin
to save, but I wish for the rest to take away this hurtful
feeling that's ripping my heart out of my chest, several
times so far. And I'm young!!!
Will this ever stop? I constantly feel like I'm working
and kind of doing my best to be a better person, or be my
best, but at the end, zero, nada, only pain and suicidal
thoughts, should I continue loving me? I'm alive, taking
one breath after the other, moving on, no other place to
go. I hope nobody ever gets to endure this kind of
suffering. I wish for the day I sit on this laptop and
write about some positive, calm feelings, Happiness is an
option? Really? Well, I'm alive!!!! I'll keep struggling
to move on, to think positive,but I just miss that human
touch...

Maybe I'm just going crazy and desserve death, or this is
a catalysis for something grandiouse in my life, and like
I said before...I'll look back at this pages and sense
this feeling so far away...almost a gone memory trapped on
this site.

Is desperating!!!
The person that I loved the most died unexpectedly, and it
hursts deep inside constantly...and when I thought I was
getting back up...
the person I thought loved me, seems to be gone...):

Tomorrow is another day!!! (SCARY)




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