Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2005-05-25 08:19:31 (UTC)

Playing A Hand

It's 0525, Wednesday. 405am. No change in weather.

Echo leaves today. 800am, actually. Her flight takes her
to two other stops, and then she's on the East coast. I
find myself ... more panicked. But, that's only natural,
given ... what I feel.

I find myself, doing the things I normally do when I'm
confronted with pain. I hide. I disconnect how I feel, and
I try to make it seem like I don't care at all. I convince
myself of all sorts of things. Lies, if I must.

It's probably why I rambled about the lonely hunter in the
night, ... thing in my last entry. You are all alone, and
if you can only convince yourself of that, then everything
hurts alot less, right?

I wonder, in general, how many times I'll do that in my
lifetime. I'm faintly reminded of the movie, "Good Will
Hunting." Namely, the scene where Robin Williams responds
to Will's accusations about Robin losing a "big fucking
hand." Namely, how Robin doesn't date women anymore since
he lost his wife to Cancer.

Robin's response was, "At least, I played a hand."

I think that's what it is with me, sometimes. I find it
hard to believe certain things that people will tell me.
Because, my focus on life is almost purely on the
negative. I can be so focused on the negative, that I'll
never ... "play a hand" so to speak.

... It could also be, that I was never really good at
poker.

Although, in retrospect, I did awfully well against Naomi
when we were playing strip poker, those many years ago. Oh
yes, ... I did quite well, indeed.

Sometimes I wonder, if maybe, my childhood problems ... my
familial problems are all because I made them up. I told
myself, my parents didn't care for me. I believed it, and
in turn I started on the path to be more self sufficient.
To, try to redeem myself in their eyes. Although, at the
same time, trying to extricate myself from them.

I wonder, how many of these problems I've had ... were
real problems. Were they? Or did ... I just make them up?
Convince myself of lies?

I don't know. The only thing to do is attempt to be
objective. Always. Never, ending. Even if ... it hurts.
I'm sure that's the right thing to do.




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