Completely Incomplete

Letting Go Is All I've Held Onto
2005-05-24 18:39:33 (UTC)

I DONT WANT TO BE IGNORED

Linkin park is very theraputic. I've never thought about
it before, but their lyrics ... I can relate to them. I
don't know why either. Their lyrics seem to have an impact
that you would never realize ... unless you were listening
to something to relate to, just so you don't feel
alone ... knowing there really are others in your exact
situation. Not someone worse off, I'm sick of hearing
that. I know there are alot more people out there worse
off ... I know it. I don't care. I'm dealing with my
problems. If I could help them out, I would, but since I
can't there's no use depressing me with people's lives
that I can't do anything about, is there?
I got kinda mad at mum this morning. I'm ditching
school ... last night was ... hard. I wanted to be left
alone ... after repeating sevral times that I wouldn't go
do anything labeled "stupid" they still wouldn't leave me
be. I just wanted to be alone ... it didn't have to be
that way.
My lines .. across my wrist. They were healing .. but
there was no sign of scar. Which is wrong. I want that
reminder of the pain, I want that reminder of my bottled
agony. I want them to stay there, through the hard times
and the regretful times. I don't want to hurt anyone, by
hurting myself. And ... those lines ... I dont know how to
describe it. They are a part of me now. Good or bad, they
are still a part. It reminds me .. of what Kevin said.
What Kade said. What Nik said. WHat everyone said .. about
need. I have to make them scar. How ugly, how
symplicite .. I dont care. Its my body. Its my wrist. Its
my choice. And I redid the,m last night. I went over the,m
again. And I lost .. a fair amouunt of blood O.o. I
couldnt even stand .. and my wrist turned a nasty shade of
grey. Good news: it WILL scar now.
Mum asked this morning if it was Nik. Or Kade. Or Kevin.
No it isnt ... she's sounding like the therapist .. the
GAYLORD ARBUNKLE EXPERIENCE! God ... Its all about me. It
has nothing to do with them. Im sick of my freinds taking
the fault for my mistakes. Its ending. Never agian is
someone going to blame them and get away with it. And then
she pointed out I never cut until I met Kade. Oh fuck off
mom. My cutting had a symplicate reason, and she said no
it didnt. What does she know? NOTHING. FUCK OFF AND LEAVE
ME ALONE LIKE I TOLD EVERONE TO DO! WHEN I SAY I DONT WANT
TO TALK ABOUT IT I MEAN IT! FUCK OFF!
I want to be left alone ... I dont want to talk about it.
Im not proud .,.. but Im not ashamed. And then she blamed
it on PMS. IM NOT MENSTRATING GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!!!!!
which brings me back to the dildo theory .. I know I
know ... its weird but it makes a clever if not hackneyed
point.
Its not right to take away something after dangeling that
thing so eagerly infront of them. I have freedom. And if I
tell her that her daughter is a suicidal lunatic then that
freedom will be taken away. Which cannot happen.
Im in such a pissy mood. I ... Im going to have to tell
her at some point .. and when I do, Im not sugar coating
it. Ive been babied before .. and it just drags it on and
neglects the truth. STraight and forward. And if she
suggests that I like Kade or Kevin more then I love Nik ..
I will explode. Im not some two timming hussy who cant
make up my mind. Kevin and Kade are like .. brothers to
me. They look out for me. They watch over me. I need them.
They are some of my bestest freinds. Nik .. isnt like a
brother .. alothough he reminds me alot of Justin O.o. But
no, he's diffrent then a brother. I dont see him as a
protecter .. I see him as a boyfreind, like I should.
Someone who can do no wrong .. someone whom I am in love
with ... Not a brother ... ew incest.




Ad: