Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
2005-05-24 03:08:13 (UTC)

Feeling Right Well Sick

My head hasn't been screwed on right all day.

The slightest thing might as well be the worst body blow.

I don't understand why some days a blade of grass growing
on an angle is enough to make lose my mind and go crazy.

I don't understand this.

And I hate it.

I've been fighting some very dark urges all day.

I'm still losing the battle though have yet to do anything
to myself.

It's 2305. I'm supposed to watch something with my bf now.

If I can make it to midnight and go to sleep without doing
anything (the show ends at midnight) maybe I can sleep
this off.

[-fights tears-]

It's not going to work. I'm not going to make it. Not
after what I just read. Four people. One I loathe. One
I worship. One I would tear to shreds right now. The
other, the object of everyone else's contempt, and mine,
the person I should treat the best, I treat the worst.
Out of the four, I am the one who is the worst in all
this. Nothing anyone can say will ever change my mind.
So really, the choice is clear. Everyone should just walk
away and leave me. I'd do it to them in a heartbeat - and
make all three of their lives better.

I told my bf today in the car in the midst of screaming
and crying as I was driving that I couldn't stand this any
more and I'd rather put a gun to my head than live like
this any more.

The first thing out of his mouth was "I don't believe you."

I thought about crashing the car.

He says I didn't let him finish. After an argument, much
screaming on my part, much screaming WHY ARE YOU DOING
THIS, CAN'T YOU SEE TO JUST SHUT UP AND NOT TALK SEMANTICS
TO SOMEONE WHO IS TALKING LIKE THIS, WHY CAN'T YOU LISTEN
TO WHAT I'M RAVING ABOUT AND FIGURE OUT THAT NOW IS NOT
THE TIME TO DILLYDALLY AND ROMANCE YOUR WORDS, NOT THE
TIME TO TAKE FIVE SENTENCES AND PHILOSOPHIZE AROUND AN
ISSUE WHEN I NEED TO HEAR, "I BELIEVE YOU" - WHICH HE
CLAIMS IN THE END IS WHAT HE REALLY WAS SAYING, I let him
finish. I only half see that he meant he believed me. I
couldn't believe him. I treated him like shit today.
Every day. Later he tells me, when I said I felt like he
was constantly attacking me in my own house, "You feel?
All you DO is constantly attack me." Why do you stay
then? "Because it's not your fault."

I can't argue with him. I can't win with him b/c the
arguments are illogical and undefeatable because they
don't follow linear patterns. They are construed to
defeat any argument one could muster but not in a logical
sense. In the car, finally breaking into tears as I'm
driving, I said, "You'd stay in a relationship that was
really bad for you?" In an incredulous voice, he asks,
flabbergasted, "You're supposed to leave?" I lost my
temper. Started screaming again. Yelling, maybe, maybe
it's not screaming. I have no perspective on things any
more. On how I sound. I'm an incessant nagging bitch who
can't do anything right. How do you defeat logic like
that? How do I get a straight answer? How do I
understand what he's saying? How do I do know that he
knows what I'm saying when his answers are so left field
as to be unrecognisable as to whether they are even on
topic? How do I know that we are understanding the same
things? I tell him I'm not in love with him any more and
he doesn't answer. I tell him I don't think he believes
me I saw I want out and he says he always believes me and
it's serious. I say, and the thought of losing the love
of your life isn't enough motivation to make behahviour
modifications? To give me the few things that make me the
craziest when you don't do? Like leaving the fucking
house for a few hours a week? He doesn't proclaim to
understand why he acts like he does. WELL I DO. YOU'RE
COMFORTABLE. WHY WOULD YOU CHANGE IF YOU WERE
COMFORTABLE? He loves me. He's mostly happy. WE FIGHT
EVERY DAY. I HATE BEING WITH YOU, I HATE US, I HATE
EVERYTHING. No, he says, you hate yourself.

[-angry, angry, bitter, frustrated tears-]

Finally. Some logic he's right about.

I don't want to stop typing. I'm going to go and cut my
arm. I can't stop it. I've been trying to fight it all
day. And I'm screwing up even more. I'm going to miss
the show with my bf. It's already half down.

I treat him like he's worthless. I treat YWSBN like he's
worthless. I'd kill his wife in an instant, with my bare
hands right now. This is not right. [-tears just stream-
] This is not right, on so many levels this is not
right. I told him I didn't mean it. I told him I
wouldn't really do it in real life, I wouldn't hurt
anyone. But part of the reply is this: I would hope you
wouldn't harm her in real life.

Well I wouldn't.

But now I'm so livid I'm ready to fucking send him back to
her. She makes you so fucking happy? Have her. Have her
smart lazy ass and her small-town mind and her hick
friends and her stupid job and her kiss-ass nature and her
love for her daughter that she doesn't know how to show
right because she's too immature. Fucking have her. Fuck
her every night and twice on Sundays for good measure.
Love her and have her and be happy with her and leave me
right the fuck out of it. I've already fucked up my life
and my boyfriend's. I don't need to fuck up yours too.

Except for one thing. You aren't in love with her. She
doesn't understand you. She doesn't GET you. She doesn't
make you deeply happy. Your daughter, yes. Your wife,
no. Part of her lets you scare her.

But then again, deep down, that's what you want. Crafted
your whole fucking life so people will tremble in fear
when your temper goes. And I don't blame you. I
understand it. I grew up with a father who did the same.
I do the same. I get it. I understand. I hate it in
me. Hate it. But I understand your need to do it. I
respect it. I get it. I wish I could help you but I
can't. I can't help anyone. No one ever lets me. The
reason you love me is because I don't let you do that to
me. I'm smart (formerly), moderately attractive, funny,
occasionally sexy, exciting, dark, dangerous. Engaging,
even. But if it wasn't me, it would be someone else. I'm
not stupid enough to think I'm unique in this world. I'm
just the one who took long enough to get to know you so
you'd open up to me and let me into some things no one
else knows. But eventually someone else would have done
it. Bet you're fucking sorry you ever met me now. You
once said to me that I would never attack you the way my
boyfriend attacks me. I guess I've broken that cardinal
rule. We might as well be through. Been fucking nice
knowing you. Stupid fucking slut faced whore assed bitch,
is there NOTHING YOU CAN'T SCREW UP?

I have to go. I didn't mean to write all this. And
unless I take my diary off public you'll read this and
then what will happen? I don't know. I don't know.

God help me please just don't let me cut too deep. Please
don't let my boyfriend see.

Please.

[-leaves, feeling her mind shatter-]

I don't think I've ever hated myself as much as I do right
now.

Not ever.

Not ever.

K2


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