aaronisonfire

alone and adored
2005-05-23 02:46:17 (UTC)

Hoods up Knives out

im pretty disgusted with myself. for a) having shitty
eating habits and thus carrying around extra junk. b) not
studying once on a three day weekend for a bio test c)
not
having enough balls to stand up for myself in a few
selective instances where i know i should have and it just
made me a weaker person by saying/doing nothing.
im disappointed that i got screwed out of a prom table and
i fucking knew that would happen, im mad i dont have
anyone
to cry to without letting my guard down and coming off as
vulnerable and ruining my tough shit image, im mad i feel
like i have two sets of friends, the ones who see me as an
athletic godess and the athletic goddesses who ill never
live up to, im mad i dont have a boyfriend or *at least* a
booty call, im mad im gonna fail precal, im mad no one
called me this weekend or last weekend or the weekend
before that, im mad i havent been drunk in a long time, im
mad i havnt been high in a long time, i feel so socially
inept and its crushing my self esteem/confidence. i need
a
release (i.e. a party, and e trip, whatever) and no one
can
pick up the phone and say 'hey, party here tonight' am i
actually that boring or disliked that can even get drunk
with me? what am i missing? ive always thought of myself
as
a fun/funny/interesting/deep person to be around and when
im at school its basically that way around most people.
but
no one has anything to do with me on the weekend. i used
to
talk about some people and say 'what the hell does she do
on the weekends' and fuck me, its probably asked about me
behind my back now. i just need to reconnect but fuck all
if im gonna pick of the phone. it goes both ways. wow ive
basically been a loner my whole life and honestly ive
accepted that and it doesnt make me any less physically
attractive or intellegent but sometimes it makes me feel
like total shit. i can accept being a home body and havnt
everyone know that fine. but when i sit home alone while i
know my "friends" are out partying, it makes me wonder if
im a bit of a pariah? i mean wtf? i hate highschool

i should be a boxer... i love the pain, i like to fight
hoods up knives out




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