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2005-05-22 01:20:51 (UTC)

Sucky day.

Well today officialy sucked. Yesterday was fun. Had lunch
with Jess and libby, then shopped, even picked out new
glasses, then had supper with amanda and hung out and
talked with her till about 10:30 and that was great, she's
so nice. I got home late, and i figured i would be tired
today and of course i was. So i was exhausted today, plus
i think running around so much yesterday made my pleurisy
act up b/c i have pain with every breath. I hate that.
It's so unfair. I feel good one day, so i decide to
actually get out and try to have some fun, and what
happens? I end up sick of course. How crappy is that.
Story of my life though i guess. I had such a good time
yesterday though, its worth it. But that made today
harder, b/c today there was nothing to do. My friends that
i saw yesterday are both engaged, so of course they had
plans with their fiance's today and tonight. I stayed at
home all day doing nothing. Right now i feel like i just
wanna go somewhere, but there is no where to go, nothing
to do. Besides grannie would freak out and give me some
kind of lecture about not needing to be out so late (it's
8:00) *rolling my eyes*. It was really hard yesterday when
i was hangin out at Amanda's apartment, seeing that she is
living on her own and doing what she wants, and i'm stuck
here in the Geriatrics ward it feels like. It's hard,
after being married and on my own for 3 years, to be back
into a situation where i'm treated like a kid that can't
take care of myself. It just frustrates me so bad and
really pisses me off. I just feel like running away from
everything, but i can't there is no where to go. It's
times like these when i wish i hadnt quit smoking. A
ciggerete sure would calm my nerves right now. I remember
the first time Justin was gone, we had just gotten married
and i had just moved out of mom's house and got my first
apartment by myself. It was so nice, doing whatever i
wanted anytime. I used to sit outside at night by the pond
at the complex and write letters to justin, and it was
peaceful. I missed him sure, missed him a alot, but i
didnt have all these other things to contend. Taking care
of the dogs, being sick and going to all these stupid
appointments alone. And i was going to school and working
and seeing my friends all the time, so my life was full.
Now, i do nothing. I sleep, i eat, i walk the dogs, i mess
around on the computer. Then i drive the almost 2 hours to
appointments, go to them by myself every time, eat by
myself, then drive home alone, then have wo wait at least
a whole day to talk to justin about anything i may have
found out, and no one else cares so theres no one else to
tell. I'm just so frustrated. I feel like throwing things
and yelling out curse words, or getting really drunk, or
smoking a wholepack of cigerettes. But will I? no. b/c in
the end it wont really help anything. The only thing that
would help would be to have justin here, and thats
impossible right now so i guess i just have to deal with
it. Think i'm gonna go lay down and cry.