muse

void deck
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2005-05-20 17:00:39 (UTC)

right for now

been working in provence for almost 2 weeks now. glad that i
could have so many free breads if i work night shift. love
to share with others.

time flies. in a blink of the eyes, 3 weeks of holidays are
gone. they have been back for 2 weeks and i don't miss them
that much, to my surprise. i don't think of him that much,
most probably because i have somthing to do during the holiday.

i don't want to hold on to this feeling anymore. i can't
force this love to end yet i know i no longer want to keep
it. he still pops up in my mind ever so often although in
different form now. i have become numb. kat is right. i have
given up hope to attain his love. the pain has been replaced
by numbness. after a great pain, a formal feeling will come.

i want to look at him in a different light. not someone whom
i am head over heel with for the past 5 years. not someone
(or, maybe the only one) I love. it is clear to me that he
has never loved me. even if he has some feelings for me,
it's not comparable to the feelings i have for him. i'm so
tired of trying. he's someone unattainable. i must let go. i
must accept being his friend and never hope to be more than
that.

met pak berty yesterday and treated him to yong tau fu and
kaya toast. it has been sometime since i met him. i realise
how much i have changed. loss of innocence. i no longer
think of him as someone i trust and i respect. he is but a
remnant of my past, a romanticized version of past. he's an
opportunist. i no longer think that he really cares about
his students. he surely has some personal agenda behind it.

call me cynical. call me untrusting. call me skeptical.

the painful truth is that these are actually the truths.

he said many things to me yesterday. and the truth is i
don't remember much, if any of the things he said. things he
said are common sense and some of his ideas are too
idealistic for me.

i can't live the way i did in the past. i realise the only
way to save myself from going mad in this crazy world is
never to get too attached to anything or anyone. people like
me are possesive bunch. i'll kill for the ones that i love.
i'll love to the point of hurting myself. i am not one who
is able to leave everything i have now to venture to an
unknown realm. that is why i'm throwing away so many things
i kept since years ago. that's why i'm not putting up with
excess baggage anymore. that's why i brought all the photos
and most memorabilia back to jakarta. that's why i'm not
remembering friends' birthday anymore. that's why i'm not
sending many sms-es anymore. that is why i never start any
conversation in msn with old friends or send letters or send
emails anymore.

i'm preventing any kind of actions that will lead to deep
attachment. now, it's so easy to leave. it's so easy to pack
my luggage anytime and to hop on the next train that will
take me to new places.

i'm not sure this is the way i want it to be or this is the
right way to be. i don't know. but for the time being, this
is a way to prevent myself from getting hurt and to preserve
my sanity.

went to karaoke with tessie, lydia, linsey and liana
yesterday. we stayed for 8 hours! gosh... that's almost
unbelievable. had a blast! came back really tired. thank God
I still had enough sleep to last for the next day.


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