Malena

Living on love
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2005-05-19 15:51:02 (UTC)

2005 already...after 4 1/2 years

It has been a while and very very very much can happen in
4 years. Too much to tell but let's start with a recap;

I was lost back in 2001 when you left, I picked up life
dancing and today I can not remember anything else than
just dancing. I had the best job too ("childcare"), so
my days were filled with kids and Salsa.
Did quite some travelling with the dancing and found
pureness and calmth with my children.
There was this "thing" with my dancepartner, but I don't
think it's worth mentioning except that we got us
somewhere with the dance.
The dancing lasted 'till 2003, then I had seen it all and
I only had eyes for my children. All the love I had inside
was only for them. Oh, I love them and miss them very much.
Salsa will always be a part of me, but not like it used to
be back then in 2001-2003.

2003 Shook my grounds a little and forced me to grow into
the Ana I am today;
I kissed one of my better friends' man. We "had" this
thing and I can't find the right words to describe what it
was. It was a hellish period filled with condemning,
judging, yelling, screaming, cursing and finger-pointing
people. All telling me how bad a person I was. I overcame
easily, for none of it touched me really.....all the
talking and bullshitting was hell though...... Ever since
that time I know I'll never fit into their world and that
I will never be a statistic like they all are. I refuse to
and talk and say whatever you like....I choose my
world....actually our world (will explain later).....

But I know exactly what lead to it......

After a long period of time, you were there again (this
was in mid/late 2003) We started talking, you
were doing photography, I kinda "quit" dancing etc. etc.
Bottom-line, you were there again and I started falling
once again. Afraid to fall and after having "giving up" on
you and on the thought of the existence of a "you" (in
2001), I needed something to keep me strong not to fall
again.
He was right there, just when I needed anyone most. He was
calm and he loved me for the person I was. I could sense
his honesty and he took my fear of falling for you "away".
I wanted to "love" someone else so I wouldn't have to love
you....I was so very afraid to love you.....I just didn't
want to....... (Even though I've always known you're the
only one I was gonna love forever)
So, he loved me, so I decided to tell myself that
I "loved" him instead of you. As simple as that....
He is a nice, caring and wonderful man, but he is not THE
you (today a.k.a. Otto)....but then I made him....be THE
you....and made myself believe that...

And then after I tricked myself in finally having found
THE you, we chatted on the msn, talked about it and then
you decide to tell me that "I want you to be my queen
forever"...... Telling me you love and all....I remember
that session vividly I was crying all the way through.
Cause I wanted to yell out loud and tell you I love ONLY
YOU and that I want to be with you forever and ever. That
you were the only one I needed in life. That I was sorry
for everything I might've done that hurt you, to please
come back and never to leave again! But I told you...you
were to late and that I loved him.
I was also so very very afraid that you weren't done
philosophying, exploring and all....cause the boy's name
was still Santiago and I knew that there was just no room
for both me and Santiago. It just didn't work that way.....
So, 1. I told myself I loved him 2. I was afraid of loving
you (especially being Santiago at that time).........

In november 2003 I had enough of the life I've lived for
8/9 years . The only thing I loved and lived for were my
children and they kept me going. Then I decided that it
was time for me to leave that life and start all over
again where all of my dreams would hopefully be fulfilled,
if only I'd pursue them with my all....

In august 2004 I left for my island, I came back home and
ever since life has only been showing me it's beauty and
showering me with pleasure with every sunrise..

I've missed you all the way through all of your absences.
Your journey has been mine too, without knowing we
travelled it together and with years my love for you
matured and became the purest, most intense and the very
truest.

My love for you defines me today.... All I am is
simply "my love for you"....and that is all I want to be
forever......

Ps; I know their names, His name is Otto and hers is Ana
(that is my one and only truth, our world)


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