worthLess & crazy & Lovin it!
2005-05-19 15:23:20 (UTC)

what does my life come to?

I had a rough day today.
I’ve learned my lesson before that self-pity in any way
wont really help me with what problem I’m going through.
But, I’m feeling so sorry for myself again, I felt so sorry
for myself that I was in the brink of crying in a public
utility vehicle.
Life is UNFAIR. It has always been like that to me, to my
life. I was so disgusted with the kind of life I have right
now and working, studying for school, finishing school will
still not make my life any better. I’m just feeling it,
that my life will never be going to be much better as I
thought it would be. Every inch of my body is telling me
that LIFE will ALWAYS be UNFAIR to me. During that time of
travel from school to the mall a lot of things gone through
my head. Like IF ONLY IM WEALTHY then I WONT BE HAVING this
kind of SELF-repugnance and the verge of CRYING thing.
I felt that ride was like forever; my head is just spinning
around. Call me materialistic or shallow I don’t really
care cause I know for a fact that in this world like ours
the only thing that keeps one person moving is the thing
you call MONEY. Trash that true happiness called LOVE what
happiness now is MONEY.
My friends would tell me to just be thankful of what I have
and think of all other people who are in more shit of A
life than mine but they just don’t understand, its easy for
them to say that because they are not in the dumps with me.
The pain I’m going through every time when MONEY is really
needed for school or for things that are badly needed and I
just don’t know how to have or where to get the fucking
money. Yeah, they are satisfied with their lives because
they get more of what is really needed, but me, I have to
go and feel shit every time the topic MONEY comes up. I
really don’t know what else to do. I had suggested to my
dad that I should stop school and maybe work but he says
he’ll find a way for me to really finish school and that I
don’t have to worry about anything but where is he now?
He’s with his fucking girlfriend. Ok fine I should also be
giving him credit that he IS looking for money but he’s
effort isn’t enough. Monthly tuition is not the only
payment I have to be paying when someone is IN school, you
have the school projects, the equipments needed, and a lot
of fucking nursing stuff! I’m so tired of this. I want to
give up. But somehow my body would still be moving because
I’m still HOPING to really have a better life and a trial
like this will MAYBE keep me stronger but I cant take it
anymore. I’m very drained already. MY head is just so full
of it now.