Letting Go Is All I've Held Onto
FATE! Hah I told youuuuuuu!!!
The closest I ever came, to feeling the bitter sweet end
of my so called life itself. Fate struck again. Not a
moment too soon. I had someone to talk to. Soimeone who
listened. Someone who heard me out. Someone whos ears I
forced my words upon. I love you Kevin. I had written out
my final words, the tension was over welming. Kade, Kevin
Nik and Ravon, would have all been told my words, after I
was ... gone.
I'm sorry it had to be this way. And I know, it didn't
have to be, but this is the way I made it to be. I'm
sorry, first off, if I've ever hurt you in any way, I'm
sorry. If this will hurt you, I'm sorry. What's done is
done, and I know there's no comming back. I don't want to
come back. But forget about that, it's not the point. I
love you, and I always will, okay? Nothign will tear me
away from you, if I'm alive or dead. I'll still be with
you Nik, no matter what. So don't worry, I'm not really
gone. I love you more then anything in the world, and I
always have. You need to know that. It's not your fault,
nothign ever was, at all, ever. FBI SUV's. Ha, that was
before we were dating. That was a lot of fun. Remember? Of
course ... that was hard to forget. We've had alot of fun,
right? WHen you named my ass. When you were being
difficult. Good times. I'm sorry I had to end it like
this. Just ... think of the good old days. When I wasn't
so fucked up and selfish. I need peace of mind, and I need
a little rest from the world. I'm sorry. I know it's what
I have to do, I love you. I love you so much Nik. Don't
you ever go anywhere, people need you. I'll be fine, don't
worry. You're always in my heart and don't you forget it.
I'm sorry. There's nothign you could have said, or done to
stop me. I'll be fine. Don't worry. Something had changed
about me, and I am only dragging people down with me. You
have a life to live without the burden of some girl. I
love you Kade. You were one of the only ones who
understood. I could tell you anything, and you would
always laugh, or be there to help, or just be an ear, to
listen to me, when no one else would. You are one of my
best freinds, and dont you forget it. I love you Kade.
It's not your fault at all ... nothing matters anymore.
I'll be okay. Just, try to remember how I was, and not
what I've become. The pain is just too real, and I cant
take it anymore. Im too weak. Remember all the fun we've
had, remember everything we've been through. I love you
more then anything else in the world, please ... please
forgive me. I know this is unforgivable. And I know I cant
take it back. Im sorry.
Kevin ... I know you'll be the first to get this. I know
you'll have to be the one, who will find me. I know you're
on your way. Don't think it's because you didn't make it
in time. Dont think it was something you did. It has
nothing to do with you. Or Kade. Or Nik. Or Ravon. It's
all about me this time. This time that I cross the line. I
think this is the hardest thing Ive ever done. I have so
many memories with you. So many good memories. I'll miss
you, perhaps more then anyone. You were ALWAYS there for
me. Always. Through thick and thin. You loved me without
question. And I loved you in return. I'm so sorry. If I
could take back anything Ive ever done, that upset you, or
made you angry, I would. If I could have been perfect to
you, I would have been. I love you so much Kevin. You have
to understand. I know ... you've been through too much
already. I know. I'm sorry. I just ... need piece of mind.
I need some time to clear my head. I need ... I need you
to be okay. And you will be. I'm not that big of a loss,
you'll be fine. You have people who need you more then I
do, and Im just standing in the way. I'm sorry. I love you.
Dont blame yourself. Nothing you have done, has made me
cross or upset enough to push me over this fine edge. I
know you said youd blame yourself. But dont. Its all my
fault. This time, Ive been selfish, please forgive me for
the deed Im about to commit. I love you, okay? Dont ever
think other wise. You were always here for me. Through the
good and the bad, I know. Ill still be with you, we are
inseperable. Death can not tear us apart. We've been
through alot together. ALOT. People need you ... You have
to be okay. Ill be fine, if god has a better place for me,
then this hell we've been living in, then so be it. But
then, maybe satan has a better offering ... after all I am
his whore. This is not your fault, nothing you could have
said would have stopped me. Ive been planning for a couple
nights now, and ... Im wreckless like that. I love you,
you are my best freind. Dont forget it.
And after writting out these letters, and not shedding a
single tear of regret, I took the tiny blade. Six lines to
break the knife in. Six lines, three on each edge of my
wrist. And with each line I said a prayer. A prayer for
forgivness from everyone dear to me. Everyone.
I held the knife against the visible vein, and watched as
the blood trickled down my hand and flodded the side walk
and cement around me. The blood of everything I love, the
blood that replaced the tears I refused to let slip down
Kevin pulled up. That black toyota. He came ... seconds
before my fate that I alone had predicted. If it werent
for him I wouldnt be here.
I made him lisetn. FOrced my heart upon his ears. He
understood. And that seemed to be all I needed. He held me
close, and the blood continued to flow from the sides of
my wrist. He stayed with me. He cleaned up my wounds.
He .. was there. I had someone to understand and someone
to listen to me. And that was all I needed. And then he
made me listen. He made me listen to everything that HE
had to say. Everything that anyone else would have told
me. He made me realize how much everyoine needs me .. and
how much I need them as well.