Hate This & I'll Love You
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2005-05-18 01:09:02 (UTC)


its been too long. sorry.

im a bit confused tonight. i have college tomorrow and ive
not done any work. by "not done any" i dont mean "done some
but im being modest" i have actually done fuck all. i could
lie to you and say i dont mind what happens to me, but i
would be lying. deep down somewhere in there i do care. im
just wondering how much it actually matters. i mean come on
its a sketch book for gods sake, ive not killed anyone. yet.
my job at the moment is good, i really do hope it stays tht
way. its the people mainly. eveywhere else ive worked there
have been such anoying people, and while jessops is no
different in some cases, i seem to get on witht he people
moderately ok for now. Hannah is amazing. i hope im not
pinning too much hope on her. i could still fuck it all up
and be left with nothing. i hate thinking like tht but if i
dont i might begin to take her for granted. dont really want
to do tht. i know if i lost her tht most of everything else
would fall apart. most days just knowing i will see her at
the end of it makes me feel i can get through it. again
pinning too much hope on it but the way i see it is if there
is no hope pinned at all, its over before it begun. she
means more to me than im willing to admit right now. even to
myself. loseing her hasnt crossed my mind, just the thought
of it is enough to fill me with dread. the reprocutions felt
on many other aspects of my life would be too great and i
feel i would begin to creep back into freefall. ive been
there once before this year, have no intention on going
back. college is the only thing tht is on my mind. i am well
and truely pissed off with it. sick to death of the nagging
in the backof my mind. not long before i snap all together.
had an interesting idea thrown at me today. one that i have
never even concidered. my mum said tht she wouldnt mind if i
didnt go back to college at all, and stayed at jessops
insted. i think i will have to go back to college, purely on
the basis tht i cant see myself working in jessops for over
a year. let alone for ever. but i may not have a choice if i
fuck up this AS art course thing. they might not let me on
the other course. can they do tht? i fucking hope not. cos
thts me screwed royaly. oh god i would have to go to KGV and
do real work. ok sod tht ide just stay in jessops. well ok
thinking more in the short term now. i am happ with work.
more than happy with hannah. and college can piss off. hate
the place. i am getting my mac at the start of june all
being well. by tht i mean if they dont update the sod at
WWDC then i have to wait another 2 or 3 weeks for the new
ones to come out. doubt they will. well its 5 past 2 in the
morning and i have college tomorow. means i might have to
actually sleep. might. hannah im not putting any pressure on
you about anything. you mean th world to me and never
forget that.

have fun in your quest for satisfaction everyone and i will
be back in another 16 days.