Completely Incomplete

Letting Go Is All I've Held Onto
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2005-05-15 03:40:15 (UTC)

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish!

Im freaking out, Im freaking out, Im freaking out. Im
getting the heeby jeebies.
I just watched beyond belief, and Im scared senseless now.
I really want to go to bed, close my eyes, and not be
scared of figments of my overly active imagination, but I
dont want to go to bed without saying goodnight to Nik.
Its 11:15, he's usaully on before this, unless he's
napping of course.
Everyone is doing something this weekend. Kevin is going
up to Toronto for a concert, Ravon is off to her dad's. I
went shopping with my parents. Whoo hoo fun, eh? Mum got
me a couple new t-shirts, and I had a couple weird dreams
last night,and the night before.
Both were nightmares. The first one started off with me
mum and dad in the van. And there were some trees, just up
past the 401, and the were blazing with brilliant orange
flames. I panicked, but dad said we shouldn't worry,
unless the trees beside Terry's yard, caught on with the
new fad that turned them to ashes. Sure enough, being as
predictable as a nightmare could be, they gleamed with the
flames shortly after he said that. He stopped the car, and
I ran into our house, which had been carefully remodeled,
white walls carpet and stairs, new arrangments and so on,
and I called 911. Soon after I called, the fire stopeed
burning, and everything returned to normal. And I went up
the carpeted stairway, which had no resemblance to ours,
and looking out the window, the neighbourhood was foreign
and irrecognizable. The stairs lead to a room, with a
number of beds, and a bathroom, without a door. Mom was in
the bathroom, dressed in white. And she was talking like
she had been locked in a basement for years and years. She
was in a house, a half way house, for the clinically
insane, and I was visiting her. And I looked out the
window, and on the neighbouring roof, there was a dummy. A
vantrilicoist dummy, life like and life sized, and behind
him there were tall flames. I pointed out how creepy he
looked and Mom agreed and introdeced him to me as Cuffy.
Or was it Chuffy? I dont remember. And a woodpecker
corussed out a rythmic tapping that mom declared evil.
The next dream, that I had last night, was a little
more ... realistic. It started with a beach, at night. The
sand was lit up by a source of light I dont recall, but
the water was black and threatening looking. A lot of
people were there, the ones I remember being, Lexi, Nik,
Kevin, Danny, my Dad ... and thats all I know for sure.
Well, Lexi was going out with Kevin, which was weird. And
I was lying on a desolate part of the beach, with Nik. And
I convinced him to go for a swim in the water with me.
Next thing I know, the dream picked up, and we were all
getting into a big red van. My dad was driving, and there
wasnt much room left. Seats were being filled quickly and
Lexi me and Nik were last ones in the car. Lexi and I took
a seat in the very back bench like seat arrangment. And
Nik was just getting in. I gave him my seat, beside Lexi,
and sat on the floor, in between his legs. Lexi was all
upset, and I teasingly asked her if she missed Kevin, and
she replied yes. Kevin wasnt in the van, and neither was
Danny. But the seats were all filled, with people I dont
rememebr recognizing. Then Lexi explained that we were in
the van, because Kevin and Danny had broken down on a back
road, and we were driving to their aid. I emediately shook
with terror. In this dream, I aparently had a phobia of
going down an unfamiliar back road where someone has
broken down, to help them. And why wouldnt I? Thats
fucking scary. But anyways, when we arrived at the scene,
a little ways before they got to Kevin I had dad stop the
car. Then me and Nik and Lexi all got out, I wasnt going
to go down any back roads. And we headed off to a
convinience store, I all the while was clutching on to Nik
so tight Im suprised he was breathing. Although it was a
dream, in real life he'd have suffocated. We went into the
store and picked up junk food, then I woke up. It felt so
real, I was holding onto Nik, and for some reason, after I
woke up I wanted to continue dreaming that dream. I didnt
want to wake up to a harsh reality, I liked that dream.
God damn it.
I think Im off to bed soon, but I want to say goodnight to
Nik. I wish he'd get online, I really do.
Lindsay is sleeping over, that means her and chris are
having unprotected sex as I write this. Ew.


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