Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
2005-05-11 15:58:49 (UTC)

And While We're At It...

My bf and I got into it a bit last night.

I'm so sick of this.

Over my fucking birthday.

He doesn't want to go to my best friend's on Sunday. He
wants to go Friday. Fucking so self-centred he just
says, "I don't want to go on Sunday," and doesn't even
bother/think to ask if there was a reason I changed it from
Friday - when he was sitting there and heard the whole
fucking conversation and that I had said Friday and then
said, "Maybe Sunday is better..."

I just looked over at him when the conversation was done
and said, later on, "You know what, fine, you don't have to
come," not angry, just matter-of-factly.

"I know I don't have to come."

My blood about BOILED. IT'S MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY, JISSUS
FUCKING CHRIST, AND YOU ARE GOING TO SAY SOMETHING AS
STUPID AS THAT?

I said nothing. Then he adds, "But it's okay, I'm okay
with going on Sunday now, I'm fine."

Well. I'm fucking glad you change like you're blowing in
the wind. I shouldn't be surprised. We have to go through
this shit every time any decision is made. I'm so fucking
sick of it. SIGH. It wasn't even a big deal. It wasn't
even "the" big deal. Here's a novel thought: instead of
shooting off your mouth every time you speak, why don't you
take a fucking second to think about it and THEN say
something. Make you look far less wishy-washy to begin
with...

The big deal was something else. I can't even rem...

I can.

I was trying to tell him a story about my night. At one
point said a few sentences about an e-mail I got from
someone then remembered I had it in my bag so was going to
read it to him. I mean, we aren't talking more than a
paragraph. He didn't want to hear it twice. I refused to
tell the end of my story without doing it my way. We got
into a spat over it. I'll tell my story my way. It
doesn't work that way, we interact, I respond, deal with
it. He's sorry I'm upset, blah blah blah, he said a few of
his normal bullshit, and when I said something along the
same lines, "I'm sorry I'm upset" or something, his typical
answer: "Yeah, so am I, b/c now I have to hear about it."
I just got pissed and he says, "You won't fucking stop, you
just go on and on about it." DID YOU HEAR ME SAYING
ANYTHING? NO. Of course, then he says I won't shut up
about it.

And then goes on about how it's always over nothing.

Yeah. I guess if you don't listen to why I'm upset it's
over nothing.

Over a video game, though, THAT would something. Forget my
stupid volunteer work stories. Since he then says he was
never interested anyway (meaning, in the argument that
ensued, but of course, I take it as meaning the story in
general, so I jump on that, and he says, No, I was
interested in the story but not this)...

I just don't know what side of him is the real one any more
and it worries me and it always comes rearing its head when
I think things are starting to go well. Pathetic that
being at home for 10 minutes can be translated into me
saying "things were starting to go well".

[-retches, HARD-]

I know I'm a bitch and I contribute majorly to the problems
but perhaps it's only a superficial acknowledgement b/c I
want him to be wrong and change and me to be right and the
victim. Yeah, I'm a fucking bitch. I do get that.

But I don't think either of us deserve this.

And I'm tired and frustrated about it.

I don't think he's evil. I think he's selfish and I think
we will never change enough to make things work without
this level of low-medium but continuous conflict.

I hate it. It makes me sick - literally. And I hate that
too.

I have to go. Work, such as it is, beckons.

Whatfuckingever.

Oh. I may have scored myself an editing job with one of my
bosses. That could be interesting...though...I don't
know...

K2




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