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2005-05-11 13:28:26 (UTC)

Worry Too Much

Yesterday my husband decided to play disc golf out in
middletown. He said he would be late but I figure he would
be home before dark. Well by 9 o'clock I was getting
worried. It was late and already dark out. My first thought
was what if he got into an accident or got hurt playing?
Then my thoughts moved to what if he's with another woman?
I found myself getting more and more upset. I started
praying that I was wrong, asking the Lord to help me. My
mind was going crazy with all kinds of thoughts that were
just unbelievably hurtful. I decided to go to bed since my
daughter was already asleep. I turned on the tv and tried
not to think about anything. Then he gets home. It's about
9:30. I was glad that he's was home. Atleast I knew that he
wasn't hurt. He came upstairs and got on the bed and looked
at me. He asked me if I missed him. I said of course. I
asked him what took so long. He told me that after he got
done disc golfing he stop at his moms to see if she was
home and then he got something to eat. I asked him who was
with him. He said Bryan and Dustin. He looked at me for a
minute then I think he realized what I was doing and what
was wrong with me. He tells me that I have nothing to worry
about. I say I know. He asked me why I wanted to know who
he was with. I said I don't know. Then he says he's not
like Bryan. I said I just worry about how much influence he
has on you. Bryan cheats on his wife like it's nothing and
I'm scared that he might try and get my husband to join his
infidelity. My husband say why do you question me so much.
If I was,all I have to do is lie. How would you know. I
hope that I would be able to tell if he was lying. I told
him you're not helping me feel better. He says he knows but
he promises that he telling me the truth. He says he made a
huge mistake and he wished it never happened. He says he
notices that I question him more then I use to. I said I
have a hard forgetting everything. He says he wishes that I
would forgive him. I said I did, months ago, it's the
forgetting part that I'm having a hard time with. I told
him that I'm trying and that I'm doing my best. Each day is
a little better then before. I admitted to him that my
counsler thinks that I should be on medicine because she
thinks that I have mild depression. I don't want to do that
though while I'm pregnant. First thing they aren't sure if
antidepressants will harm the baby or not. They don't even
want you to take Tylenol if you don't have to, so I'm sure
not going to take antidepressants. My counsler also said
that if I have post partum depression that I really need to
get on medicine. She said if I'm already suffering from
depression and I get that after the babys born that I could
do things that will be very bad either to myself or my
family. I looked at my husband after I told him this and I
could tell it upset him. He probably feels guilty because
he knows that it's his fault for me being this way. He's
right but I don't want him to worry about me. I'll be fine
with a little more time. After we got done talking he asked
me to scratch is back. Of course I do it. It kind of make
me smile when he's asked me because he acts like a little
kid and it's killing him. Like he needs it now. I do love
him so. Dear Lord help me with my fears. Help me learn to
trust him again. Please let him be telling me the truth
about how he feels and what he's doing. Please let my
marriage last forever. Help him through his depression and
get his business started. Please don't let the baby or my
working part-time after it gets here ruin our relationship.
I'm doing everything I can, please let him be doing the
same. Thank You for listening to me. Thank You for
everything. Amen.

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